


found (by you)

by unserene



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: :), Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff, Heavy Angst, M/M, Slow Burn, but also :(
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2018-11-18 18:36:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11296443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unserene/pseuds/unserene
Summary: Jungkook goes to a real university. He meets Taehyung, and together they create an uncomfortable atmosphere for everyone around them with their barely contained sexual tension and internalized gay angst.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> please enjoy!  
> (side note: the heavy angst tag doesn't kick in until around the middle of the story. it's okay until then. lol)  
> (side side note: jaehwa or her friends arent supposed to be people who exist in the real world. shes purely fictional. if there's a girl group member named jaehwa, this character is not supposed to be a fictional representation of her. she's just a minor character. neither are any of their family members; this is purely fictional. most of the heavy topics in here are written from my personal experience with them. thank you for reading!)

People who put boogers in library books are the scum of the earth.

Jungkook didn't decide that. The mean-looking librarian sitting behind the large desk did.

Grimacing as he spots a green bastard on the  _first goddamn page of the book_   _(Really? Get a fucking tissue)_ , he takes the check-in card and stamps the date on the card. He wouldn't hold these books up to such a high standard, but this was a university! People  _pay real actual money_ to come here and read books all day! 

He hates the moments when he stamps cards because, compared to everyday life, the sound of the stamp is remotely quiet; when used in a library, it sounds like someone just loaded a gun.

Placing the card back into the slot and trying to dodge annoyed glances aimed at him, Jungkook closes the book and sets it on the rack of books that are set to be returned. He checks on the librarian, who is either dead or focused on her copy of this bland magazine called  _"The Newspaper"_. Jungkook wheels the cart out to the nearest shelf, grabbing the recently returned set of physics books to their alphabetized spots.

While he's setting a book in its spot, he notices that when he turns his back from the cart, he feels a pair of eyes on him. Jungkook pivots, slow, and puts a book on the opposite shelf. A dark mass of hair appears in the corner of his vision, peeking around the corner. He spins around to face it and get a look, but the person disappears.

Weird. Someone must've brought their little sibling or cousin on a tour of the college. He's seen women with a baby or toddlers in some of his lectures, so Jungkook doesn't think that it's  _too_ out of the ordinary to see a little kid running through the rows of shelves looking for their parent. As long as they were being quiet and didn't piss off the librarian, he didn't care. Honestly, it reminded Jungkook of getting lost in the grocery store when he was little.

Jungkook finishes stocking the shelves and returns to his post. Mrs. Gong, the librarian, had begun to check books out to people while Jungkook had been stocking. She fixes him with an unreadable stare for a few  _hours_ (really seconds in ahjumma time) before she removes herself from his spot and returns to her desk behind the counter. 

Terrifying.

He checks out a few people's books to them, checking in others, and plays piano tiles while waiting for the end of his shift. The shuffling of shoes and a timid cough causes Jungkook to glance up over the desk.

"Sorry." Jungkook whispers, holding out his hand for the boy's books. The boy hands over his book and Jungkook scans them. He then holds out his hand for the boy's ID.

He's met with a blank stare. Jungkook raises his eyebrows. "ID?"

"I didn't know this was a club?" The boy says.

"No, this is a college library, and you need either your school ID or a library card to check books out from the library." Jungkook squints, taking in the boys somewhat familiar shock of jet black hair into account. "Wait. Haven't you been here before?"

The tips of the boy's ears turn red. "You remember me?"

"No- Stop distracting me!" A sharp shush from the old woman from behind her papers ignites a flame of annoyance in the pit of Jungkook's stomach, but he lowers his voice. "Just give me your ID. My shift ends in five minutes."

The boy sighs but gives in, fishing his wallet out. He fumbles with his wallet for a few moments before handing his ID over.

_Kim Taehyung._

Interesting. Jungkook scans his card and stamps both books with the due date. "Thank you for using the library." He recites, then slouches back in his chair and unlocks his phone.

The boy, Taehyung, shifts his weight between his feet and opens and closes his mouth multiple times before he walks to the nearest table, grabs his bag, and leaves.

 

 

He begins to see Taehyung in the library quite often, hanging in the section closest to the checkout counter, sitting at the table in front of Jungkook's desk, lingering in the library longer than most people, and checking out science-related books, which happen to be at the book shelf in front of Jungkook's desk.

As he sets the date on the stamp, he glances at the cover of Taehyung's latest find:  _"The Principles of Quantum Mechanics"_. It seems  _very interesting._

Stamping and slotting, he gives the book back to Taehyung. "Have fun with that book."

Taehyung's smile flickers on for a second, then quickly fizzles out. "Y-you too." He turns, realizes his mistake, and turns back around. "I mean- Thanks."

Jungkook feels his face contort into a slightly pained expression. "No problem."

Taehyung gathers his stuff and leaves, ears red as roses. Jungkook's eyes follow him to the exit, but he quickly switches focus as a quickly approaching dark, lanky figure nears his desk, belonging to Kim Namjoon.

Said lanky, dark figure pulls up a chair next to Jungkook with the biggest shit-eating grin known to man plastered on his face. He's close to wheezing as he tries to contain his laughter.

"What the hell was that?" He breathes.

Jungkook throws him a firm glare. "What the hell was what?"

"That was so awkward. I feel great about myself for the first time in  _weeks_ watching that shitshow."

"Honestly?" Jungkook whispers, eyebrows raised. "This is why you get no ass. Stop eavesdropping on my entire life."

"I missed an entire year of school and an entire year of embarrassing you in college." Namjoon starts picking at his nails. "I think I deserve to be overly critical of your failed relationships."

Namjoon's year in San Diego had treated him well; he had gotten high..  _grades_ in his classes and his complexion had turned from reasonably tan to a moderate brown. Jungkook had missed him, but not enough to allow him to annoy him this badly.

"I didn't even go here last year. Community college ring a bell to you?"

"Ah," Namjoon grunts. "I sure do remember that."

Jungkook hums. "What did you want?"

Namjoon leans back in his chair, snagging a book off of the stack Jungkook had just finished checking in and cracking it open, like he were cracking a cold one with the boys. "Just wanted to tell you that kid has probably wanted to be friends with you since I saw him walk out."

Frowning, Jungkook raises an eyebrow at him. "Really?" He's met with a not. "I didn't even notice."

"Too busy playing piano tiles." Namjoon doesn't even look up to meet Jungkook's disgruntled face, distracted by the book and chewing on his fingernails.

"Honestly, I don't believe you."

"Just watch him." Like he already doesn't. "Not obviously, but keep an eye on him. He's like your stalker." Namjoon shrugs, looking thoughtful. "It's kinda cute! He's like a lost puppy."

"He's not a dog, he's a human being." Jungkook mumbles, sinking back into his turtleneck. His glasses slide off the tip of his nose.

Namjoon's nose crinkles in confusion. "I thought you didn't need glasses."

Jungkook rolls his eyes, sniffing. "It's for style."

Jungkook is met with a scoff. Namjoon is met with a stomp to the foot.

 

Watching Taehyung in a library is like putting a seven year old kid on a high school campus and saying, "Alright, go find your classes."

He stands in front of what he thinks is the thing he's looking for and stares for a while before saying  _fuck it_ and giving up completely. Taehyung picks up another book from the physics section after hanging around the shelf for about ten minutes and brings it to Jungkook.

Jungkook looks for a chance to introduce himself, maybe write his phone number somewhere, while he runs through the routine of checking a book out, but finds no time as Taehyung stares him down. He hands back the book, this time on theoretical physics, and puts on a smile. "See you."

Taehyung, surprised, offers him a great smile back. "Yeah, you too." He says and heads out the door.

Jungkook is mulling over the situation for a bit before long brown hair is whipped into his view. He looks up and sees his... Friend, Jaehwa, leaning over his desk. "Hey!" She greets quietly, smiling.

A natural smile graces Jungkook's features in return. "Hey yourself. When did you get here?"

Jaehwa twirls a strand of hair around her finger. "Oh, just a few minutes ago. I just wanted to ask if maybe, possibly, you would want to go on a date with me to this bar we all go to? I know it's your first year at Sogang and I was just wondering." Her cheeks are dusted with a light pink blush. "It's tonight."

He purses his lips, adjusting his glasses, then tilts his head. "I think i'm free. I leave around 6:30-ish." 

She grips his hands in excitement. "Great! I'll see you at 7! You'll meet all of my friends later."

"Great." Jungkook nods, watching as she runs off, then looks over to the table, noticing that Taehyung had been watching most of the interaction. He picks his bag from the ground.

He narrows his eyebrows in question, and Taehyung mouths  _I forgot this_ before avoiding Jungkook's gaze, rushing out of the library.

His stomach rumbles with apprehension.

 

 

The club is almost as moist and sweaty as Jungkook's hand. Jaehwa doesn't seem to notice or mind, tugging on his arm toward a group of equally pretty girls.

Screaming, drunk, and holding their drinks up, they yell as Jaehwa basically drags Jungkook toward her group of friends.

"He's so adorable!"

"He's blushing! Unnie, he's  _so cute!"_

"Let's get him fucking smashed!"

The group cheers in agreement while Jungkook just smiles bashfully, praying to a god that he doesn't believe in to help him out. Jaehwa, noting his uncomfortable posture, squeezes his hand.

"Y'know, I think we'll both be light on the drinks tonight." She shouts as her friends groan.

"You're no fun! Boring!" One of her friends moans, taking a sip of her drink.

Jaehwa rolls her eyes, ordering two beers and handing one off to Jungkook after the bartender serves her. "Don't worry. I know you have class at 8 tomorrow."

"Thanks." He takes a moderate gulp, the sting of alcohol and the bitter taste of beer resting on his tongue. Coughing, he eyes Jaehwa giving him a knowing look.

"You don't get out a lot, do you?" She smirks, tapping the neck of the bottle with her neatly painted fingernails.

Jungkook winces. "Is it that obvious? We don't usually go out and party in community college."

"Oh!" Jaehwa's face lights up in remembrance. "I remember now, haha. Why here, anyway? I bet you could've made it to Yonsei."

"My best friend told me it would be a good school for me. He just got back from UC San Diego." He traces the rim of the bottle.

Jaehwa gasps, tilting her head in interest. "So I'm guessing he's pretty fluent in English. Has he taught you any?"

"Uh," Jungkook blanks. "Pardon?" Bam. His English is unmatched by any other Korean in all of South Korea.

She laughs, her head tilting back as she sets her beer on the counter to steady it. Sighing, Jaehwa glances toward the dance floor. "You dance?"

"I'd like to." Jungkook holds out his hand and Jaehwa slides hers back into his as they diffuse into the crowd of sweaty young adults.

The crowd soon gets to be enough for Jungkook as Jaehwa's friends absorb her back into their group, and he finds himself ordering another beer and taking a seat at the bar.

Walls dark and matte, the club would feel spacey and wide if half of the student body hadn't invaded it and began to drink like it were the civil war and a doctor were coming to saw their legs off. The decorations are based on a simple theme of musical writing, musical notes or staff lines adorning the various walls of the club. In the corner of the club, he sees a familiar figure grasping a bottle of beer.

He squints, then makes eye contact with the boy; Taehyung stares right back, eyebrows slightly furrowed like he can't entirely make out exactly who is staring back at him. Breaking their stare, he spots a shorter young man next to Taehyung with an annoyed expression on his face. He's tugging on Taehyung's sweater, his drink almost spilling as he shouts his name to get his attention. Taehyung looks over, and Jungkook's stomach gets that jitter, queasy feeling in his stomach.

Jungkook blames it on the alcohol. He then locks eyes with Jaehwa, whose gaze pulls him back into the crowd and he soon loses himself in the beat of the music, but he doesn't forget about Taehyung.

While he's dancing with Jaehwa, he keeps spotting Taehyung from the corner of his eye. 

The boy disappears and reappears at random, sometimes next to his shorter, kinda pissed off friend, sometimes at the bar, and sometimes by the bathroom door, staring at him with an expression Jungkook still can't quite understand.

Jaehwa's soft hand on his cheek catches his attention as he's staring at Taehyung, and he turns his head to see her staring up at him. Is this a kiss? Is this how you initiate that good shit? He starts to get sweatier than before.

Jungkook freezes up. She's nice, she's beautiful, she's funny, she's intelligent, she's witty; yet Jungkook doesn't want to kiss her. It doesn't feel right. He doesn't know why, but he's feel like he's cheating her of something. He's taking something from her and not giving something in return.

Yet he's never done anything to her.

"I- Uh- Bathroom." Jungkook stutters, jetting off toward the bathroom. He takes a chance and steals a glance back at Jaehwa, who looks confused but not hurt. Phew.

At the urinal, Jungkook mulls over his next possible moves. He isn't a virgin, not by any means, but he doesn't want to have sex with her while they're both drunk. Or, if she's drunk. He isn't too drunk. He doesn't want to ruin their friendship, either.

He crosses that option off, anyway; he just wussed out of kissing her.

He could also just avoid her the rest of the time he's there. Her group of friends is there, so it wouldn't be like he's just leaving her alone. Jungkook can feel his mother scolding him for even thinking of abandoning someone on a date, so he crosses that off too.

Taking a deep breath and zipping his pants up, he decides to just buy her a drink and wait for her to come back to him. Then he'll know she's truly into him!

He washes his hands because he isn't a disgusting booger-in-library-book type asshole who doesn't wash his hands and heads back into the crowd.

Taehyung isn't anywhere to be scene, even as he scans the area from the bar. He expected to feel relieved, but he just feels lost. He buys another beer, a bit tipsy now, and downs most of it by the time he spots Taehyung again.

He's with that boy again, this time holding a red solo cup, and close enough that they can both see each other clearly. Jungkook takes another sip of beer.

Taehyung's mouth twitches into a smirk. He watches Taehyung mouth  _hold my damn drink_ as he shoves his red cup into his friend's chest and strides over to Jungkook. His friend just scoffs and begins to drink the rest of whatever was in Taehyung's cup.

"Hey," Taehyung's breath smells like rum. "Fancy seein' you here."

"Haha, yeah," Jungkook chuckles nervously. "You're pretty drunk, dude, are you okay?"

He laughs, laying his palm flat against the cool granite of the countertop. "I'm fine now."

Jungkook glances at his hand as Taehyung turns to address the bartender. His hand is beautiful. No. Like his hand is nicely structured? Is that weird to say? Can someone call a hand beautiful?

"So," Taehyung turns to Jungkook, tongue dragging the s. "Why haven't I seen you before? Are you new? Are you like," He hiccups, "A transfer student? Is that what they call 'em?"

Jungkook notes Taehyung's thick accent.  _Daegu_. "Y-yeah, I was at a community college for a few years. I failed math classes in high school and my parents didn't want to waste money at a big university for me to keep failing the same required math classes."

Taehyung hums, sliding a few thousand won to the bartender in return for his beer. "Weird. I'd expect, like, some fuckin' major studyin' or some shit to be happening in the library. Not that you're stupid or anythin'. I'd just think that you were studying on your phone or somethin'." His words are slurring now.

"Taehyung-ssi, are you a lightweight? Do you need to go?" Jungkook is worried now as Taehyung downs another beer.

Taehyung just cracks another smile. "I don't think I've drank  _enough_. I'm barely fuckin' gettin' started! You haven't seen me drunk until I've made out with every man in this room."

"Wow." Jungkook stifles a laugh, feeling his nose crinkle as he smiles. "Amazing. You must have a liver of steel."

"Call me hyung, by the way. Jimin gets fuckin' pissed when I get tipsy, though. I bet you saw 'im, being an angry little fuck. He's a mad drunk." Taehyung's eyes light up as he imagines his friend grumpily sitting next to him, holding his drink.

"He didn't look that angry." Jungkook interjects, eyes flitting back to the crowd to search for Taehyung's friend. He wasn't anywhere to be seen, at least if one were looking as lazily as Jungkook did because honestly, he didn't want to take his eyes from Taehyung's form more than he had to.

When Taehyung talked, his face would fall naturally into a small smile and he would often end sentences in giggles, brushing stray hairs from his face. He would brush them behind his ears, even though most of the dark strands wouldn't stay in place anyways, and his lanky digits would rest behind his ear for a moment before he would either return his hand to the counter or rub the underside of his jawline.

Jungkook was lost in Taehyung's body language, trying to translate it into something he could understand so he could finally figure out what was so intriguing about this boy until he sees Taehyung's gaze cloud as he stares at something over Jungkook's shoulder. His body language becomes closed off to the world and Jungkook is cut from Taehyung's hidden realm as he feels an arm loop around his.

 _Jaehwa._ The girl smiles up at him, her hair cascading down past her shoulders. "Hey! How's it going?"

"It's good." Jungkook replies, looking back at Taehyung. Jaehwa follows his stare. He sees her expression visibly dampen as she seems to recognize Taehyung.

She doesn't let her guard down for more than half a second, but Jungkook feels that the damage is already done. Jaehwa is still polite as she greets Taehyung.

"Hi, Taehyung-ssi." Her smile is tight-lipped.

He seems equally as uncomfortable. "You know my name?"

"Yeah," She trails off. "After your run-in with Sungmin, who wouldn't?"

Sungmin?

Jungkook tries to grasp for a face to the name. Taehyung immediately takes overwhelming interest in the label on his beer can.

He remebers. Sungmin was the captain of the college baseball team at Sogang. That's really the extent of his knowledge. He often hears Sungmin's name because of the fact that any time the baseball team would win, the team would get free drinks at the bar; Sungmin had a reputation for shutting games out, being the star pitcher he was, and the three years he had spent at Sogang were typically filled with wins and free alcohol. He had a promising career ahead of him. Jungkook never heard why he left.

Taehyung's face is drained of color, then becomes completely free of any expression. He bows slightly to both of them.

"I have to take my friend home." He releases his beer from his grip. "It was nice to meet you, Jaehwa-ssi. See you around, Jungkook."

He watches Taehyung's back retreat into the crowd. He loses track of him for a few moments, then spots Taehyung and his friend leave, Jimin again tugging at his sweater and saying things Jungkook couldn't understand.

Jaehwa takes Taehyung's spot, drawing Jungkook's attention back to her. Jungkook's nose twitches as he thinks for a moment.

"What did you mean?" He begins after Jaehwa puts her phone away.

"What?"

"What did you mean by his run-in with Sungmin?"

Jaehwa pouts, tracing designs on Taehyung's half-empty glass of beer with her pinky. "Can I explain after the party?"

"Yeah, that's fine." He says, shrugging. She grins, pulling him off of his ass and into the crowd. 

Shoved between shaking bodies, Jungkook's mind can't help but think about Taehyung. 


	2. Chapter 2

Jaehwa is about 5'2, full of dedication, and was an Olympic sprinter in her past life.

Jungkook hasn't run since his first years of high school, but in order to catch up to her, he has to sprint.

"Jaehwa!" His breath bursts out of his chest, his voice hoarse as she slows and turns. He stops, bending down to catch his breath. Her feet come into view and Jaehwa follows her legs up to her face as she takes her headphones out of her ears.

"Jungkook!" Jaehwa smiles as if she weren't running faster than Sonic the fucking Hedgehog three seconds ago; Jungkook is envious of her stamina. "What's up? God, when was the last time you ran?"

Standing up relatively upright again, Jungkook puts a hand on his waist, nursing a cramp. "High school. I lift."

She rolls her eyes, draping her headphones around her neck as she unscrews her water bottle cap. "What did you need? Or did you just want to say hi?"

Jungkook eyes her water bottle. "I just wanted to say thanks for the fun night out. I haven't really gone out a lot since I got here." He says, then pulls a face. "Can I have some of your water?"

Jaehwa holds her water bottle out and he grabs it, taking a few gulps. "Jesus, you said  _some_." Giving her water back, Jungkook smiles, sheepish. "Anyways, it's no problem. I honestly thought you were having a terrible time."

"Not really. It got a little awkward." He looks down at the dirt path, rubbing the ball of his foot into the rusty dust. "What was up with that, anyways?"

"With what?" Jaehwa asks and unfolds her arms, furrowing her brow.

"Uh, Taehyung and Sungmin."

Looking away for a second, she wets her lips. "I thought you already knew? Most of our class knows. It happened during the playoffs last year. Don't you remember?"

"I transferred here in the fall." Jungkook says, voice bland.

Jaehwa's eyebrows raise. "Oh! I totally forgot. It just seems like you've been here for as long as I have." She rubs the back of her neck. "Well, I can just give you the gist of what happened. I kinda have class in an hour and I need to get back to the dorms."

Jungkook nods, shoving his hands in his pockets and leaning forward.

"So, Taehyung is openly gay," Jaehwa starts. "But Sungmin had a girlfriend. She was actually a trainee at some entertainment company- I don't know which one- but she was part of the reason people knew him so well."

Gay?

Jungkook thought that Taehyung had been friendly with him, but he never really came off as, uh, gay to him. 

Or did he?

He just felt different than everyone else. He felt like he had some sort of reason to talk to Taehyung. It almost felt like he had a connection with him. Is that why Taehyung wanted to talk to him so badly? He's gay?

Jaehwa didn't particularly care for Jungkook's rambling mind, as she kept on with the story. "Most of us knew him as the hero of our baseball team. He was about to get scouted by a minor league team. During one of the parties after one of the playoff games, Sungmin's girlfriend couldn't find him." She purses her lips, flipping her ponytail to her other shoulder. "She opens a door to one of the bedrooms, and who does she find but Taehyung and Sungmin making out on the bed."

Jungkook blinks down at the ground. Taehyung didn't seem like the party-and-make-out type, but how would he know? He doesn't know a fucking thing.

"Sungmin's girlfriend was nothing short of absolutely fucking enraged. Girl was like a dragon." Jaehwa huffs out a laugh as she takes a sip of water. "She basically drags both of them half naked out of the room and outs them to the entire party. Then she stormed out and everyone got mad because the party was 'ruined'." She sighs through her nose. "Next morning, we all came to find out that Sungmin had dropped out and now everyone still kind of avoids Taehyung."

Jungkook is a bit shocked, to say the least. Taehyung was quiet, but he thought it was more of a  _shy guy with nice hair_ kind of thing, not a  _I got ass but the ass's girlfriend got mad at me because her boyfriend came on to me_ kind of thing.

Life comes at you fast.

"Wow." He still can't find a more intelligent alternative to  _'wow'_  because really, it's one of the only things going through his head.

"Yeah, pretty tragic, right?" Jaehwa's eyes then light up as she sees something behind Jungkook. "Oh! That's my friend. I think she has some of my notes. I'll see you later?" She suggests, tilting her head and leaning in a bit.

What? What is she doing?

Oh, fuck, a kiss. "Uhh, yeah! Bye!" He sputters, giving her a stiff kiss on the cheek and jogging off before she can say anything else.

Thoughts racing through his mind, he makes a beeline for the library, wondering why his chest is aching and his head is throbbing.

It's oxygen debt.

(Probably.)

 

 

"Holy shit." Namjoon's deep voice resonates from the bottom of his chest, muffled through his hands as they're currently clasped over his mouth in slight awe. "Really?"

"Yeah, really." Jungkook is glad that Namjoon also wasn't attending Sogang last year because now he has someone to share his surprise with.

Namjoon looks at Jungkook, eyebrows raised. "I would've never pinned him as the type."

Jungkook scoffs, shelving another book. "You think he knew he was dating her?"

Plucking a book off of the shelf and examining it, the older shrugs, earning a dirty look from Jungkook. "I dunno, dude, Sungmin sounded pretty popular, but Taehyung seems like someone who doesn't ingrain himself in dating drama or gossip. He seems to just keep to himself."

"But we don't know if he was like that last year. He probably keeps to himself because people still blame him for what happened."

"Are you saying it's not his fault?" The slight condescending tone irks something in Jungkook.

Jungkook's head swings around, fixing Namjoon with an annoyed glare. "Are you saying it is? You don't know his side of the story."

Namjoon sets the book back on the shelf. "And you do? You barely speak to him." He whispers, breaking eye contact. "I'm not saying it is or isn't his fault, and I'm also not saying you shouldn't try to be friends with him. But this kind of shows that he isn't all who you made him out to be."

The younger crosses his arms. "And you know so much because? What? You went to America? Are they so much better at reading people than Koreans?"

"Jungkook, stop trying to make this into something it's not. You know I'm not saying that." Jungkook can feel Namjoon rolling his eyes from here. "I know so much because I just do. Everyone has different sides they show to different people. It's just who we are. Someone isn't two-faced for acting one way to one person and another way to the next; humans are best at adapting, and we adapt to each other as we interact. He may show you a side that isn't the same as the one he shows someone else."

Jungkook's nose scrunches up, and he adjusts his glasses. His ears burn. Air bursts out of his nose in a huff as he tries to calmly shove a book back into the bookcase.

He feels Namjoon's warm hand on his shoulder. "I don't want to nag you, but I just don't want you to get disappointed if he turns out to be someone you didn't expect him to be."

Grimacing, Jungkook yanks his shoulder away from Namjoon's touch. Namjoon's eyes flash with hurt and Jungkook feels the sting of regret, but his annoyance burns it up and blows the ashes away. "Why are you talking to me as if I have a little crush on him? You're not my fucking mom."

Namjoon fixes him with a closed stare, crossing his arms and pressing his lips together as if he were waiting for something. Jungkook's fists clench and unclench, trying to focus on his breathing. His hands are shaking, his arms feel tingly and numb, and his head feels like all the blood is rushing for the center of his face.

Namjoon finally speaks after a tense couple of seconds. "Y'know, for someone who complains about having no friends a lot, you sure treat your friends like shit sometimes." He tears his eyes away from Jungkook and squats down to look at the books on the bottom row.

If he didn't feel like a piece of shit before, Jungkook certainly felt like one now. Not even a piece of shit, but like a piece of shit dumped in a brown paper bag and lit on fire, then proceeded to be flung onto someone's porch after a knock to their door,  _then_ got stomped on to put out the fire.

Namjoon is the best at handling his quick temper but Jungkook knows that he hurts Namjoon more than he means to. Like a phoenix, guilt rises in his chest and he starts to sweat.

"Hyung." Jungkook calls, whispering.

Namjoon ignores him.

"Hyung.." Namjoon's eyebrow twitches, and he blinks harshly.

"Namjoon-hyung, I'm sorry. Please don't ignore me."

If there's one thing to know about Namjoon, it's probably that he's the most sensitive person that Jungkook knows. If there's one thing to forget about Namjoon, it's also that he's the most sensitive person that Jungkook knows because he hides it so well. It takes a trained eye to spot when Namjoon is upset.

In this situation, Namjoon is upset. He finally looks at Jungkook, if only for a second, before he reaches out to grab a book. It slips out of his hands for a second before he secures it in his grasp. 

Scooting toward him on his haunches, Jungkook gently grabs Namjoon's arm, pulls him in, and hugs him. Namjoon grunts in surprise, his arms floating around Jungkook's body for a few seconds before hugging him back. 

"I didn't mean to lash out like that, hyung, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." Jungkook whispers, biting back the pride that wants him to pull away before Namjoon would want him to.

Namjoon lets out a small sigh. "I thought you were actually pissed at me." His voice is thick.

"You really thought I'd scream at you because of this? It was just a little debate that got out of hand. It's fine. Don't cry."

Namjoon pulls away, standing up again. "I'm not crying."

Jungkook calls bull-fucking-shit on that when Namjoon tries to conceal a sniffle when he thinks the younger isn't paying attention. He hears the dull swish of Namjoon's sweats as he passes behind him, peeking around the bookshelf.

"Speak of the devil." Jungkook's head swivels around in time to see Taehyung stalk through the door, clad in an earthy turtleneck and hair tousled by the frosty wind.

Was that gay? Describing a turtleneck as having earthy tones? Using tousled by the frosty wind?

"Good luck. I'll see you in a few hours." Namjoon leaves before Jungkook can even finish having a mini sexuality crisis. Thanks, Namjoon.

Taehyung sets his stuff at his usual spot and Jungkook wheels the now empty book cart back to his desk, sitting down and reading a random book, which is actually a code name for kind of spying on his new person of interest.

Not person of interest as in, like, he wants to date him or something.

Right?

The gentle thud of a hardbound book shakes Jungkook from his thoughts. Taehyung already picked out a book.

"Hey." Taehyung greets, running a hand (attractively?) through his hair.

"Hi," Jungkook returns quietly, scanning Taehyung's book with all the speed and might of a snail. "That was some party last night, huh?"

The other shrugs, but it was probably a wince. "I've been to worse." He sets his ID card on the counter. 

Nervous, Jungkook licks his lips, fumbling to pick his ID up from the granite of the counter top.  He doesn't know how to respond, so he just lets the awkward silence bloom as he flounders about, trying to stamp the date in Taehyung's book.

He finally hands the book back to Taehyung, but when the brunet goes to grab the book, Jungkook doesn't let go. He opens and closes his mouth, getting some sort of reverse déjà vu, before he finally stutters, "Would you maybe want to hang out?"

Taehyung's grip tightens on the book for a second, his eyebrows narrowing. Jungkook feels the blood rushing to his cheeks. "Like, not today, but soon?"

His face morphs into an odd, slightly uncomfortable look, and Jungkook is afraid until he cracks a huge smile. "Sure! I'd love to."

Relief floods Jungkook's body like the tide over a beach. "Okay, good, because I wrote my number on your receipt when you weren't looking and it'd be kinda awkward if you had said no."

Lips forming a perfect 'o', Taehyung releases a tiny, _precious_ laugh. "Alright. I'll text you then?"

Jungkook finds himself smiling back. "Yeah." 

Taehyung nods and takes his book, looking at the ground and making a tiny fist pumping motion as he exits the library.


	3. Chapter 3

The ticking of the clock laughs in Jungkook's face as he squirms in his seat, staring down the rotating hands as he waits for it to strike 6:30. His leg is bouncing up and down as he bites his knuckles; Taehyung is waiting for him, he knows, at some restaurant that serves ramen.

He remembers reading the text and memorizing the address. Taehyung had sent it with a cute emoticon that winked up at him and made his heart beat so fast that he had to wait for a few minutes before typing out an answer with his trembling fingers.

Those same fingers are gripping the undersides of his chair now. Only five minutes had passed, which is five minutes closer to 6:30, but now it was only 6 and he still had 30 minutes left of his fucking shift.

What if Taehyung got impatient ant left? Jungkook knew he wouldn't, but his mind would never let him fully believe it. He blinks harshly and starts to rock back and forth.

Barely anyone was in the library. Midterms had come and gone, and he assumed most people were either celebrating or crying over what they got in whatever courses they had.

Taehyung had just finished his calculus midterm (not that the boy had actually told him; Namjoon, for some reason, knew which classes had this semester) and was probably sitting in a booth, alone, at some random ramen shop. Possibly being chatted up by a stranger! Jungkook shivered.

A wheezing, noisy sigh shook Jungkook from his thoughts. Looking over, Jungkook gave the old librarian a sheepish look as she stared over her newspaper at him.

She smacked her lips, looking at his vibrating leg and white knuckles, then exhaled forcefully through her nose. "You can go."

Jungkook stood and bowed in slight haste. "Thank you!" He whispered, turning and sprinting out the door.

Address burned into his mind, Jungkook flew from the library and off campus, legs carrying him as fast as he could force them to.

Right, left, right again, right another time, and down a long, narrow street, Jungkook runs until he stops in front of a small hole-in-the-wall shop, window lit up by a neon bowl of noodles. He allows his back to slap on the brick wall next to the window, dragging air into his lungs in big gulps as he peers inside.

Taehyung is at the counter, sitting on a bar stool laughing at something or someone as he tucks stray strands of hair behind his ear. Face suddenly illuminated by his phone, Jungkook sees his body shake with laughter again and he then types something on his phone.

Is he flirting? Is he talking to someone else?

Jungkook shook his head. Why the hell would he care?

The brunet opens his mouth again, and Jungkook tries to read his lips, following every movement and word that his lips wrap around even though he seriously cannot pick anything up through the glass.

A blond man suddenly comes out from the kitchen, a glass of what looks like iced tea with a lemon hanging from the rim in his hand. Taehyung makes grabby motions with his hands, pushing out his lower lip in a pout, and Jungkook's fingers itch to force the blond man to give Taehyung his drink.

Something brushes Jungkook's sleeve, and he's suddenly aware of the people passing by him, reminding him of where he is. He's peering into a ramen shop, watching two guys having fun while he stares in like he's going to stalk Taehyung and kill him in an alleyway after he leaves.

He brushes out his hair with his fingers, fixing his bangs in the glass like a mirror, then checks his breath and sniffs his hoodie to see if it smells. Gritting his teeth, he enters the shop, grateful the door doesn't emit a chime to notify the entire shop of his presence.

It's dimly lit, Jungkook notices, and he feels like he blends in to the shadows, nestling further into the bunched hood of his hoodie. The shorter man's back is now turned, seemingly seasoning and marinating meat on the counter, leaving Taehyung alone at the bar. As he comes up to him, he notices Taehyung has his earbuds in, bobbing his head back and forth as he scrolls down some random social media site he doesn't recognize.

Not wanting to disturb the atmosphere, Jungkook slides into the seat next to Taehyung, folding his hands quietly in his lap. The only other person in here, the blond man, is nodding to the beat of a rap song that plays from the speakers in the corner, music faint to provide an ambiance instead of a soundtrack. The sleeves of his black turtleneck are rolled up to his elbows, and his glasses sit stable on the bridge of his nose. He hasn't noticed Jungkook's arrival yet, either, and Jungkook kind of doesn't want him to.

Eyes flitting to Taehyung, he notes that his are closed as he sways to the temp of the song blaring into his ears. He allows his gaze to travel down the other's form. His jean jacket hangs off of the bend of his arms, exposing part of his neck and the back of his striped shirt, material shifting and crinkling with Taehyung's movement. A stack of bracelets are thick on his left wrist, leaving his right looking bare as it holds his phone. Jungkook is vaguely reminded of his own, and tugs his sleeves down.

"Ah!" Taehyung yelps. Both boys jump, scaring the shit out of each other as Taehyung almost drops his phone and Jungkook shrinks back, clutching his chest.

Brows narrowed, the man behind the counter turns around. "What is it now, Taehyung- Oh." The man's expression shifts into a neutral, or what Jungkook thinks is neutral, expression. "When did you come in?"

"I just came in." Jungkook says, thumbing at the hole in his jeans. "I didn't mean to scare you guys, but I just didn't know how to get your attention."

Taehyung sets his phone on the counter, headphones wrapped around the device like a snake. He offers a smile. "It's fine."

The cook snorts, drying his hands on the towel hanging from his apron and pulling his sleeves up higher. "I'm Yoongi. I'm going to assume you're the Jungkook he's been talking about for the past two months-"

"Hyung!" Taehyung hisses through his clenched teeth, smile plastered on his face. "Why don't you get Jungkook a drink? He looks exhausted."

The corners of Jungkook's mouth twitch into a nervous smile, leg starting up and down again. Yoongi rolls his eyes, grabbing a glass of water and filling it up. He sets the glass down, then leans on the counter in front of Jungkook. The older man's eyes bore into him. He can't get a good read on his expression.

"What would you like?"

Jungkook's eyebrows raise, mouth opening as he racks his mind for his usual order at a ramen restaurant, but his mind shrugs and takes 15 for lunch. "I," He chokes. "Whatever he's having."

Yoongi licks his lips, nose twitching as he stares Jungkook down for a few more seconds.

Taehyung clears his throat.

"Hyung. We get it." He says. "You're the alpha here." Taehyung sounds... Embarrassed?

The eldest purses his lips, then stands straight again. "Damn right." He mumbles, turning back around to begin preparing their meals.

Jungkook doesn't know what the fuck just happened but he hopes to God or Zeus or Allah or anyone out there that it never happens again. He can sense the embarrassment radiating off of Taehyung, and as soon as Yoongi disappears into the back, he finally speaks.

"So." He says."

Jungkook takes a breath in. "So."

The silence hangs between them like a soggy paper towel.

Cringing internally, Jungkook speaks up again, desperate to break past the awkward phase of friendship. "You like, uh," His mind scrambles for the right word. "Books?"

"Yeah." Taehyung swirls his straw around, ice clinking against the glass. His tea is half empty. The ice is melting. 

Silence.

More silence.

Yoongi faintly cursing and pounding something in the back.

"Do you even read those books?" Jungkook blurts.

Taehyung's eyes widen, fixing Jungkook with a bewildered stare. He sips his drink, not taking his eyes off of Jungkook. "Uh, yes."

Jungkook squints. "Then what book did you check out last?"

Another sip. Eye contact diverted. A sigh. "Um,  _Alice in Wonderland_."

"No," Jungkook says. "You checked out a book on theoretical physics."

Taehyung chokes, coughing and pounding on his chest as Jungkook watches him flounder. He can't help himself.

"Actually, most of the books you've checked out in the past few months have been on theoretical physics." A sly grin splits Jungkook's face. Taehyung's cheeks are burning.

He starts, then stops, then thinks, then starts again. "I am majoring in physics." He says, with questionable confidence.

Jungkook leans forward in his seat, getting a high off of the caught look on Taehyung's face. "That's a lie, too." Taehyung's face blanches. "Your backpack is covered in history memes."

Taehyung laughs, nervous as all hell, gripping his glass of iced tea. He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't need to.

"You're a history major, aren't you." The slamming of Taehyungs head into his arms was all Jungkook needed for confirmation.

A wail builds up from Taehyung's fortress of solitude. "I hate physics!"

The younger leans back in his seat, crossing his arms, satisfied. Quite frankly, he's impressed with himself.

"It's the worst! I can't deal with it! I'm not even taking it!" Taehyung pulls his head out of his arms, opting to rest his forehead on his hand.

"I know," He says. "I hate it too. I'm terrible at math."

Taehyung draws on the condensation of this glass, the tips of his ears glowing red (have been since Jungkook got here), letting out a defeated chuckle. "I thought you majored in physics, so I kept hanging around the physics book so you'd notice that we had something in common and be my," He pauses, wiping his thumb across the heart he drew on the glass. "Friend."

Jungkook narrows his eyebrows. "Why would you even assume that?" He asks, seeing a spark of fear flash across Taehyung's expression. "What kind of self hating person do you think I am?" It's gone before he can even acknowledge it.

Taehyung lets out a small laugh. "Sorry, you just had glasses on a lot and looked pretty smart."

"Nah, that's Namjoon. He's the smart one." Jungkook adjusts his glasses at the mention.

To his surprise, Taehyung frowns. "You're smart too. You just happen to be bad at math."

"I'm bad at everything." Jungkook shrugs. "I went to community college because my grades were just _that_ bad in high school." His leg shakes again, and he feels shame crawl up his neck. 

Why did he just share that? He needs to stop oversharing;  _it makes people uncomfortable_. The Busan drawl of his old therapist hangs in his mind.

Taehyung sighs. "I don't think grades reflect how smart you are. I mean, they show how book smart you are, but not how smart you are altogether."

Jungkook opens his mouth to contradict but a bowl of steaming hot ramen layered with at least four different types of meat is placed in front of him, and his mouth immediately starts to water.

Yoongi stands back, arms crossed and looking satisfied at his creation. "You ordered the same thing Taehyung gets, and Taehyung likes his meat." He makes direct eye contact with Jungkook. "A lot of meat."

"Hyung." Taehyung whines from beside Jungkook.

"Thick."

"Hyung!"

"He doesn't like small pieces of meat."

"Really, Yoongi?!"

"So you better enjoy it, too, because I beat my meat real hard trying to get that shit into its place."

"Hyung..!"

Yoongi smirks, tucking his towel back into the pocket of his apron and stalking into the back.

Jungkook has never been more scared but oddly enticed in a bowl of ramen in his life.

Taehyung tries to soothe the awkward atmosphere after a few moments of silence. "So, as I was sayin' I think you're still smart." He speaks through a mouthful of food. "What do you major in?"

Jungkook swallows and taps on the edge of the bowl with his chopsticks. "Journalism."

"Oh, wow." Taehyung seems delighted. "Do you write in the school newspaper?"

Bashful, Jungkook looks down into his bowl. "Sometimes. I kinda want to switch to literature because I think I like writing about fictional things and not reports about real life things."

He takes a chance and glances at Taehyung, feeling his face heat when Taehyung stares back at him with intense curiousity. "I- I don't know, though, I only started taking classes focused on my major this year, so I don't know."

Why is he stuttering so much? 

"Oh." Taehyung nods, shoving meat in his mouth. Jungkook looks away. "I relate. People always ask me what I'm going to use a history degree foor, and I'm like, I dunno! I was told it's good to just have a degree so you can say you have a degree!"

Jungkook laughs, nodding, and Taehyung goes on to describe his process in weeding out potential majors in order to get to his chosen major. What majors he looked at, how many classes he took to find out about the ones he was interested in, how many times he's switched majors; Jungkook finds he's only half listening, more captivated by the way Taehyung's face lights up when he explains a funny story or tells him the things he likes. His nose scrunches up and his eyes are deep enough to get lost in and his smile-

Taehyung claps, jolting Jungkook out of whatever gay shit he was on about. The elder doesn't seem to notice, slapping a couple thousand won on the counter and grabbing Jungkook's wrist. His heart jackrabbits against his ribcage, fear sparking through his system but he doesn't have time as Taehyung starts dragging him out the door.

"Thanks for the dinner, hyung!" Taehyung shouts toward the back of the restaurant.

"Taehyung!" Jungkook's voice raises in volume, panic settling in his tone, as Taehyung sets a remarkably fast pace, marching down the street. "Where are we going?!" He tries to tug his wrist free.

"To my best friend!" He exclaims, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"What?!"

"He's doing dance right now and he wanted me to come watch!" Taehyung weaves through the crowd, Jungkook finally remembering how to work his legs and managing to not be hit in the face by elbows.

"Why do I have to come?"

Taehyung looks back at him, stopping in front of a glass door. "Because..?" 

Jungkook squirms in his grasp, wrist itching as Taehyung's fingers irritate it. "Wow! What a good reason. You shouldn't be a historian. You should be a lawyer."

Huffing, Taehyung opens the door, leading to a large, open area with two boys on hardwood floor.

The smaller of the two was currently in the splits, reaching for one of his feet in a stretch. The other had his bag around his arm, hair damp with sweat, on his phone. The boy in splits looks up at the jingle of the bell on the door, giving Taehyung a dirty look.

"Jimin!" Taehyung exclaims, dropping Jungkook's wrist. "I'm here!" Jungkook rubs his wrist in relief.

Jimin didn't give a fuck. "Too late. I already did all of my practicing." He switches to stretching toward his other foot, turning his back to Taehyung in annoyance.

Taehyung, looking defeated, sighs and crosses his arms. "I hate when you do this to me." 

The other boy glances up from his phone, offering a polite but tired smile to Jungkook after giving him a once-over, then looks back down. Jimin follows the other's gaze, tilting his head.

"Who's this?" Jimin asks.

"Like you don't already know." The other boy whispers, thinking only Jimin can hear, then lets out a short laugh that's disguised under a bark of a cough.

"I'm, uh," Jungkook's brain short-circuits for the umpteenth time that night. "Jungkook."

Taehyung beams, patting Jungkook's shoulder. Jimin's glare softens when he notices Taehyung's expression, and he lets out a breath. "I'm Jimin. This is Hoseok-hyung."

"Okay, nice to meet you, Jimin." Jungkook shoves his hands in his pockets.

"Jimin- _hyung._ " Jimin corrects, looking irked. Hoseok bites his lip, stifling a laugh. 

"Okay, Jimin." He says. Taehyung is wheezing.

Jimin lets out an audible growl and Hoseok bursts into laughter. The oldest is quickly put down as Jimin gets up from his position and elbows him.

"Okay, well, anyways, guys, let's stop being irrelevant." Jimin tries to mask his annoyance; it doesn't work. "Taehyung, you're too late. So that sucks. Should've been here earlier."

Taehyung frowns. "I didn't think you'd close up so early."

"We close at 8 every day. It's 8:10." Jimin says. "But hey! At least I get to see your boyfriend!"

Jungkook chokes on his spit.

"He's not my boyfriend!" Taehyung sputters.

Hoseok puts an earbud in. "Hey now. We don't want another Sungmin."

Taehyung falters, pressing his lips into a line. Jungkook watches Taehyung's eyes fall and he smiles, bland.

Jimin elbows Hoseok sharply in the side. Hoseok grips his side, keeling over. "That hurt!"

"Hmm." Jimin wonders, without wondering. "Wonder why."

Jungkook really, truly, fully believes that short people are indeed closer to Hell. Not that he'd ever let Jimin catch him calling him short.

"Okay." Taehyung picks up his head. "We'll leave, then. Sorry for bothering you." 

Jimin grabs his bag from the wall. "Just wait, like, five minutes, and Hoseok-hyung will drive us home."

"What?" Hoseok's face contorts. "No I won't."

Jimin swipes Hoseok's phone out of his hand. "Oh,  _wow_ , hyung. You have such a nice phone! It would be a real shame if someone accidentally pissed on it." 

"No!" Hoseok leaps for his phone, snatching it back. "Okay! I'll drive!"

Truly closer to hell.


	4. Chapter 4

Seoul is packed to the brim with people, especially on a Saturday, and  _especially_ in the main shopping districts.

The look on Taehyung's face is worth it, though, as he holds up a plushie of an anime character or shuffles over to Jungkook, goofy grin plastered on his face as he reveals a small figurine nestled in the palms of his hands.

The opaque yellow butt of a tired Gudetama shines up at Jungkook, snug in Taehyung's grasp. "Isn't it so cute?" He asks, laughter ending with a snort as he rotates the small figure around. 

"Yes," Jungkook says, sifting through another rack of clothes. "Just as adorable as the other five you've shown me."

A giggle bubbles out of Taehyung's mouth again, giddy with joy as he puts the figure in his bag. "Are you going to buy something for Jaehwa?"

Jungkook's nose twitches. "Uh, maybe." He hasn't seen Jaehwa in about a week. He isn't too desperate to see her again; couples need their time apart, right? Love becomes stronger when you're apart.

He hears an intake of breath from Taehyung, but it catches in his throat and he sees him shake his head out of the corner of his eye. A hand touches his shoulder. "Just buy something for yourself, okay?" Taehyung smiles, squeezing his shoulder. "You deserve it."

Jungkook looks down at his feet, feeling his face heat up and a smile tug at his lips. "Okay, hyung."

Taehyung gives Jungkook's shoulder one last squeeze before he starts sifting through the same clothing rack Jungkook is at. He holds up a short sleeved shirt, material soft to the touch.

"How about this?" Taehyung raises his eyebrows, peeking around the torso of the shirt. "It's blue."

Jungkook purses his lips. "I don't like to wear short sleeves."

"Aw, are you cold a lot?" Taehyung puts the shirt back, dejected.

"No, I just," Jungkook pauses to breathe. "Don't like wearing short sleeves." He coughs, rubbing his eyes.

A curious gaze lands on him, but he doesn't want to meet Taehyung's gaze because he knows one look would give it all away. 

"How about we go get some dinner?" He asks, already heading toward the exit of the store. 

Taehyung is right on his heels. "Sure. I know a place." Being the handsy (not like that!) person he is, Taehyung loops his arm in Jungkook's and begins tugging him toward a small Japanese restaurant.

"Is it a sit-down restaurant? My feet hurt." 

"It hasn't even been that long since we got here!"

"Hyung, we've been shopping for three hours and all I did was stand around and watch you buy figurines." Jungkook lets out an overdramatic sigh as Taehyung leads him into the restaurant.

A waitress takes them to a small booth and they both sit. "There, happy?" Taehyung huffs, picking up the tiny menu to order a drink.

"Delighted." Jungkook deadpans.

The waitress stops by again, taking their orders before nodding and disappearing into the kitchen. She reappears, drinks in hand, and tells them their pot will be out soon.

Taehyung taps his chopsticks together excitedly. "I haven't been here in a long time."

"Oh?" Jungkook raises an eyebrow. "Who'd you come here with last time?"

A sigh. Aw, fuck. "Sungmin."

"Oh." He states blandly, taking a sip of water. Taehyung sits back, rubbing his neck and tapping his chopsticks on the table idly.

Thankfully interrupting the tense moment, the waitress delivers their pot of broth and sets it on top of their burner. "I'll bring the meat and vegetables out in a minute."

"Thank you." Jungkook clicks on the burner, smiling politely at the waitress as she travels to a different table, then ventures to the back before bringing the rest of the meal to their table.

Taehyung is staring at the broth, blowing out a heavy breath as he waits for the signs of a boil. Jungkook feels the horrifying grip of awkwardness begin to take hold on the atmosphere again, as it had multiple times in the past few weeks since they began to hang out. He clears his throat, Taehyung's eyes flitting to focus on him.

Jungkook slouches in his seat. "Sorry, I didn't mean to, uh, sound like I wanted attention."

"It's fine." Taehyung shrugs. "How's it going with Jaehwa?"

Why is he so insistent on Jaehwa?

"It's, um fine. I guess." Jungkook's arm comes up to scratch at his neck. "I don't know if we're serious or not. She's still seeing other guys on the side. Not that I mind, but I don't know. I don't know if we're, um, official."

"Ohh." Taehyung rests his head on his hand and turns the broth down to a simmer, picking up one of the vegetables and swishing it in the broth.

Jungkook's arms start to itch. He's sweating. "Why?"

"Just a little curious, that's all." Taehyung shrugs a second time. "You don't seem to talk about her much." He raises his eyebrows as if he's expecting an answer, popping a carrot in his mouth.

"Well, uh," He tugs at his collar. "I think there's been someone else on my mind lately."

Taehyung tilts his head, eyes sparkling. "Oh?" There's a hint of a smile on his lips.

"Yeah." Is he shaking? He wipes sweat off his brow. It's really hot in here.

"Well, who's the lucky lady?" Taehyung grins at him like he's not throwing Jungkook for a loop and two corkscrews.

Jungkook wheezes out a laugh. "Lucky? I wouldn't call them lucky. I think I'm the lucky one."

Swishing another piece of meat in the broth, he holds chopsticks towards Jungkook's mouth, the younger cautiously eating it. "Oh, please, Jungkook. Don't be modest. Anyone would be lucky to have you."

Is he breathing too hard? Is he even breathing at all? Maybe he needs his inhaler.

"Can.." He trails off, lightheaded. "Can we get some air? It's a little stuffy." He's rubbing his thighs harshly, bowing his head.

Taehyung fans his own face. "It's probably the humidity. C'mon, we'll come back in after you cool off."

On their way out of the restaurant, Jungkook catches the end of a conversation between a mother and her son; she's telling him to put his jacket back on.  _It's cold in here._ Jungkook's palms become more clammy than before.

Taehyung opens the door for him and he rushes out, sitting on the curb in front of the restaurant, letting the cool night air embrace him.

Crouching down next to him, Taehyung rubs Jungkook's back. "You okay? You're really red."

"Yeah, just give me a few seconds." Jungkook runs a hand over his face, resisting the urge to lean into Taehyung's touch. He fans himself with the front of his shirt. "Thank God it's colder out here."

Taehyung's hand suddenly moves to his forehead. He pushes Jungkook's bangs away from his forehead, flipping his hand over so that the tips of his knuckles rest against the skin of his forehead.

"What are you doing?" Jungkook is barely breathing as Taehyung begins to trace his fingers over his face and cheeks.

"I'm trying to take your temperature with my hands like moms do."

He would laugh, but Taehyung seems to be taking himself pretty seriously, so he opts for subtle judgement instead.

"I don't think it works that way." Jungkook grabs one of Taehyung's wrists, bringing it away from his face.

"You don't know how it works at all, silly." Taehyung smiles down at him, bringing his other hand back to his body.

Jungkook scratches his head, ruffling his hair. Taehyung sits down next to him. "I think you'd cool down a lot quicker if you roll your sleeves up."

A nervous laugh struggles out of Jungkook's mouth, strangled. He shakes his head. "I'm fine. Really, hyung."

Taehyung doesn't look satisfied, but decides he won't push it, which Jungkook is thankful for. The other is usually pretty nosy about finding out how Jungkook ticks, but he knows when he's about to cross a line.

"I was afraid you were going into heat or something." Taehyung sighs, craning his neck back to look at the stars.

Jungkook crinkles his nose. "I'm not a dog!"

"No!" Taehyung exclaims. "Like one of those fanfics people write! Where one of them goes into heat and the other, uh, takes care of them!" He slaps his knee nodding quickly as if it helped to strengthen his point.

"By doing what, exactly? Isn't a heat a sexual thing?" Jungkook watches Taehyung's eyes scour his face, searching for something but apparently coming up with nothing.

A rosy pink dusts the bridge of his nose. "Just, y'know, things."

Jungkook makes a mental note to Google this later.

"Okay, well-" He freezes, then gives Taehyung a sharp look. "Wait. Are you implying that  _you_ would be the alpha in this situation?" Jungkook scoffs. "You're ridiculous." 

"Uh, okay,  _wow!_ And you're saying that  _you_ would be?" Taehyung laughs in his face. "You're even more ridiculous. You're not dominant at all."

"How would you even know? You don't know me!" 

"I know that you can barely look a girl in the eyes half the time! You're shy as hell."

"Dude, you are literally _gay!_ You take it up the butt!"

Taehyung's mouth drops. "Being gay doesn't automatically mean I'm submissive. You don't even know if I top or bottom." He crosses his arms. "And besides! That's none of your business."

"What the fuck is a top and a bottom?" Jungkook squints. "Is this slang for the girl or the boy in the relationship? Don't gay guys just take it up the butt?"

"Oh, my God." Taehyung buries his face in his hands. "You are  _so_ uneducated. This can't be real. I bet you think gay people use spit as lube, too."

"Isn't.. Isn't that what you use?" Honestly, he's shocked, to say the least.

Taehyung is fake sobbing into his hands. "I really can't tell if you're joking. I honestly, truly cannot tell."

"No, I'm not joking. Isn't taking it up the butt gay?"

"Yes! Also being the one to put your penis in another man's ass is gay, too!"

"It's not gay if you're not on the bottom-" Jungkook's mouth then makes a perfect circle. "Oh. That's what being a bottom means."

Taehyung is shaking with laughter, his cheeks and ears flushed red.

"What?" Jungkook knocks Taehyung on the shoulder. "What?! Stop laughing at me!"

Face buried in his hands again, Taehyung hits Jungkook's chest with the top of his head. "You're so funny, Jungkookie."

Jungkook furrows his brow in response. "You're mean." He can't resist carding his fingers through Taehyung's hair.

 

Jaehwa is a presence that nags at Jungkook's brain every time he unlocks his phone or steps onto campus. He doesn't know whether to ask what's going on, who she's with, or what she's doing. But he also doesn't want to be a clingy asshole like they show in movies.

He only wants closure. Curiosity finally drives him to his phone, nipping at his heels as he texts her, asking to meet at the fountain in the middle of the quad. She texts back shortly with an  _okay_.

Cold concrete meets his ass and back as he leans against the wall of the fountain's pool, toying with his phone as he patiently waits for his girlfriend to show up.

Okay, well, not  _girlfriend._ Everyone treats her like his girlfriend, though. Nobody calls him her boyfriend. Jungkook sighs, head hitting the concrete with a dull thud as he leans further backward, gazing up into the chilly March sky, its color a crisp, icy blue.

The sound of sneakers on brick alert Jungkook of Jaehwa's arrival, lifting his body from the floor and sitting on the edge of the fountain instead.

"Hey." He greets.

Jaehwa sets her bag down by her feet, sitting next to Jungkook. "What's up?"

Typically, she would lean in for a kiss to greet him, but she doesn't move closer to or further away from Jungkook.

"I was just, uh," He sniffs, looking into the fountain. "I wanted to know if you were still seeing other guys."

"Yeah, why?" She sounds confused, but not surprised. "I thought we agreed we were only having fun with each other. You're seeing other people too."

Jungkook's head snaps up to meet her gaze. "What? No, I'm not. I'm seeing you. Only you."

She offers an uneasy smile. "Uh, then why do you keep going on dates with Taehyung?"

Her uneasiness changes to obvious discomfort when Jungkook's mouth twists and emits a breathy laugh, rubbing his eyes. "Gosh, really? I am  _not_ going out with Taehyung. We're just hanging out."

A scoff slips from Jaehwa's lips, but she doesn't seem to regret letting it out. "That's a lie. I see you two together all the time, and he's always at the library when it's your shift. You  _'hang out'_  with him more than you go on dates with me." She mimes air quotes around  _hang out_ , and pulls her hair out of her face.

Jungkook opens his mouth to retort, but she shushes him. "Some of my friends even see him when I'm not there! He's always hanging around you like he's trying to claim territory."

"Jaehwa, we don't even date! I take you to get something to eat and we  _fuck!"_ Jungkook laughs humorlessly, gripping his arms.

"Yeah, I guess we do, except you barely kiss me in or outside of the bedroom. You don't even want to be shirtless or sleeveless around me." Jaehwa is fixing him with a hard stare. "Every time I try to show affection to you, you close me off. I try to touch your arm, or hold your hand, and you flinch away." She lets out a snort. "Yet with Taehyung? You  _lean into_ his touch."

Jungkook grits his teeth, fingernails digging into the material of his sweater. "I'm serious. We're just friends. I'm  _not gay."_

Jaehwa's eyebrows lift. She laughs.

"Why are you laughing at me?!" He's straining to keep his voice at a reasonable level. "I'm not fucking gay! Why is that so hard to grasp?"

"Honey." She finally breathes, wiping a tear from her eye. "I see you look at him like he's something magical. You may think nobody else notices how you gaze after him, but I'm pretty sure anyone else who sees you two knows you're in love with him." Jaehwa shakes her head, laughing. "God, I think everyone in the world knows besides you two."

Jungkook's mind is blank. He's speechless.

He feels Jaehwa gently take his hand in both of hers and she squeezes it gently. "Listen, I didn't get too attached for this reason, and I'm already seeing other people. I don't want to make you feel useless to me, but honestly, if we stop seeing each other, I'll be fine."

Jungkook still can't remember how to breathe properly, if at all. She takes a deep breath.

"It was fun and all, and I think we can still be friends if you want to be, but don't ask me if I'm seeing other people in that tone of voice when you're also seeing other people. Then you just look like a hypocrite."

Jungkook finally manages to choke something out. "But I'm not."

Brushing her hair behind her ear, Jaehwa presses her lips together and sets his hand back into his lap, quiet. The birds are chirping in the trees and the water of the fountain splashes into the pool behind them. Wind blows through their hair, whistling in their ears, but other than that, they're both still.

Jaehwa finally speaks. "I think you need time to think about some things for a bit. I'll give you some space to think."

Jungkook feels his eyes burn and he buries his face in his palms, listening to Jaehwa pick up her bag and walk off.

He so desperately wants to call her a bitch. He wants to, so, so badly, but he can't. She has the right to call him on his shit and leave. They did have an open ended relationship, after all.

Time flies by and when Jungkook finally lifts his head from his hands, he doesn't really know how much time has passed and he honestly doesn't care.

His body moves on its own, standing up and wandering about the paths of the campus. He can't tell where he is.

He walks for a while, allowing his feet to take him wherever they please, until he vaguely notes that he isn't on campus anymore but sitting at a bar stool with his hands buried in his hair, tugging on the dark locks as the smooth flow of a rap song flows into his ears.

He doesn't truly realize he's at Yoongi's until the older man is staring at him and asking if he's okay. Words travel in one ear and out the other, and he can only offer a dull, red-eyed stare and a shrug in return.

The elder lets his gaze rest on him for a few seconds until he turns and starts fumbling with his various wares, setting a kettle on the stove. The man then rounds the counter and takes a seat next to Jungkook.

Jungkook is analyzing the various shiny rocks and pebbles in the granite counter top before he feels Yoongi's calloused fingers wrapping around his wrist and tugging his hands from where they're bunched in his hair.

His wrists are exposed, sleeves sliding down in his carelessness, but he finds himself panicking all too late as the elder's sharp eye spots the raised, red scars on his bare wrist.

He eyes Yoongi, fear clouding his mind, waiting for the blond to call the cops and throw him in a mental institution. Instead, the elder rests his gaze on the red marks, takes a deep breath, pulls his sleeve down for him, and sets his hand back on the counter.  _We'll talk about that later._ An unspoken agreement.

"What's wrong?" Yoongi's voice is surprisingly soothing.

"I think I'm gay, but," Jungkook's breath hitches. "But, I don't know, I'm so confused."

Yoongi lets out a heavy breath from his nose. "Well, it's alright to not know and be confused."

"But I want to know." Jungkook says, trying to keep his voice steady. "I want to know but I know it's wrong to have feelings for another man-"

"Whoa." Yoongi interjects. "It's not wrong to have feelings for another man. Don't be so old-fashioned."

Jungkook attempts to keep his breaths steady. "I- I know. That's why I'm so torn. Everything I feel is against everything I've been taught." He can already feel himself beginning to hyperventilate. "I don't want to say that I'm something, but then it turns out to be a phase. But this doesn't feel like a phase. It just feels natural, but everyone says it's wrong."

Yoongi fidgets in his seat, unsure if he's allowed to touch Jungkook or not, and opts for going back around the counter, taking the steaming kettle from the stove. The store is technically closed, being this late at night, but Jungkook is a friend.

"Well, you know when something is right. You can feel it inside of you." Yoongi begins to steep his tea, turning to grab the honey from the cabinet behind him.

"I guess." Jungkook presses the bases of his palms into his eyes.

"But everyone else is telling you that it's wrong. It's not correct. It's against what we've learned, but you know deep inside that it's just who you are. You've always known that." Yoongi stirs the honey into the tea after he throws the tea bag away. Jungkook pulls his hands away from his eyes, focusing on his breathing and willing away tears.

Rolling his sleeves up, Yoongi sets the mug in front of Jungkook. He leans forward on the counter, resting his weight on his knuckles. "So you have to stand up for yourself. You're an adult now, even if you don't really feel like one. To be honest, nobody feels like an adult. It's common."

Jungkook wipes a stray tear away, taking a ginger sip of his tea.

Yoongi hangs his head for a few moments before picking it back up. "You'll know who you are. Some people will be open to it, some won't. People who.." Yoongi sighs, running a hand through his hair. "Who aren't like us, who are straight, they won't understand. Even if they want to, they will never understand what it's like to be gay, or lesbian, or bisexual. They don't. They never will."

Jungkook sniffles, staring into his cup of tea. Chamomile smiles back up at him, wafting into his nostrils. He meets Yoongi's eyes again.

"It's just a fact of life. They will say something rude or offensive without meaning to, or they'll do it to get a rise out of you. Or they'll do it because they hate you." Yoongi shrugs. "We have to compromise."

The mug is suddenly too hot in his palms and he sets it on the counter, anxious. Fear trickles through his veins, spreading through his body and eating away at his insides. "I don't want to." 

Yoongi looks up from picking away at a burnt spot on the stove. Jungkook is shaking. "I didn't ask for this. I didn't- I didn't ask to have to do all of this work to be treated like a normal goddamn person while someone else doesn't have to at all."

"I know." He sighs, scratching his eyebrow. "None of us did, but that's just how it is."

"I'm scared." Jungkook breathes, hunching over. "I know what happens. They kill people like us. They push us out. If my parents find out.."

"I know, I know. But Guk, you gotta know you're not alone. It's called the LGBT  _community_. We're resilient."

"I'm not." 

Yoongi sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Well, you're here now. That's a start."

Jungkook shrugs, sniffing. 

"It's scary. It's scary to feel like you're lying to blend in. Sometimes it's tiring, so you stop trying to hide it, but some dickhole comes along and says that it's wrong, or disgusting." Yoongi's fists clench. "But when someone tells you that it's wrong, that you're wrong just for being born that way, when a whole crowd or even the entire world tells you that it's wrong to be  _you, t_ elling you to change so they can be comfortable with who you are, you need to say no."

Jungkook bites his lip. Yoongi slams his fist on the counter. "You stand up to them, plant your goddamn feet in the ground, and say no. You change."

Yoongi hisses, throwing his towel on the stove and leaning over again. "Nothing happens the way you want it to unless you do it yourself, Jungkook."

Jungkook wipes his nose, rubbing at his eye and taking another sip of tea. "Hyung."

"Hmm?"

"Thank you." He offers a weak smile, and Yoongi's silent, fiery expression cools into one of slight adoration.

"No problem, Guk." He says, taking a pot to the sink and setting it gently inside of the deep tub.

Don't get Jungkook wrong; he still feels fucking terrible, but Yoongi's poetic peptalk soothed his soul, if only by a bit. "You should be a motivational speaker."

Yoongi starts to take cleaning supplies out of the cabinet under the sink along with a bucket. "I think I probably was in another life. Or maybe I was a rapper." He scratches his chin. "I'm pretty content with my life now, though."

Jungkook hums in agreement, wrapping his fingers around the mug again. "Do you own this place, hyung? I've never seen anyone else working besides some kids working part-time."

The sink head is detached from its base and Yoongi turns the water on, water beginning to fill the bucket. "Yeah, it's a gift from my father for finishing culinary school. He only gave me the property and building, but he still doesn't know that I opened a ramen shop." He snorts. "He just wanted me to get through some sort of school that wasn't high school."

Jungkook nods. "That's cool." Yoongi's dad is apparently fucking loaded.

He watches the elder clean and pack up shop before Yoongi walks him to the door. Pulling the key out of the door, Yoongi shoves it in his pocket.

Jungkook turns. "Well, see you, hyung. Thank you."

"Wait." Yoongi zips his jacket up. "I'll walk you back."

"You don't have to. It's fine." Jungkook smiles at the gesture.

"It's not that far from the shop. Besides, you gave me some company tonight." Yoongi says, shoving his hands in his pockets and beginning to walk with Jungkook.

They're silent after that. The street is empty, the waning moon shining onto their faces and casting long shadows behind their figures. Stopping in front of the entrance to the complex, Jungkook turns around to thank Yoongi again for his hospitality, but is instead enveloped in a hug.

Yoongi smells earthy, like cedar and sandalwood, and he buries his nose in his neck, feeling tears prick at his eyes again. The blond gives him a slight squeeze, rocking him back and forth almost exactly like his mother used to, and shushes Jungkook when sobs roll off of his tongue, muffled by the thick material of his jacket. He doesn't flinch when Jungkook's fingers start to dig into his back, his body shaking and convulsing with every hiccup.

Clouds begin to roll in, crowding the sky and slowly blotting out the moon.


	5. Chapter 5

Weak rays of sunlight strain to reach Jungkook's back through the clouds as he rolls onto campus, fighting back a yawn and adjusting the straps of his backpack. Another sleepless night had passed, and instead of laying in bed for hours at a time on his phone until it was deemed socially acceptable to wake up (at least by his own standards), he decided to arrive on campus early and get shit done.

The slap of his sneakers against the pavement echoes in the nearly barren quad as he catches himself, thanking whatever deity was watching over him that day that nobody else was awake enough to see him nearly eat shit. Sighing, he mentally curses himself for wearing a darker jacket today, brushing some of the dirt from the planter he kicked up off of himself as he heads for the library.

Mrs. Gong is always here at 5:30 on weekdays without fail, as old people wake up so early it has to be inhumane, but a shock of doubt still runs its course through his body as he tries the library doors. They open with a swish as the metal frame of the door cuts through the conditioned air of the library. 

His phone vibrates in his pocket. Dimples and a bad sock tan flash through his mind as he takes his phone out of his back pocket.

**[06:32:42] Guk.**

**[06:32:49] You can't just avoid my texts and calls. Please talk to me.**

**[06:33:03] ..I'm sorry if I made you upset. Or did anything to upset you. I know you don't like it when I'm pushy and clingy like thsi.**

**[06:33:05] this***

**[06:33:16] I don't know what I did. I just want to know what I did so I can apologize and make it better. Please don't leave me in the dark like this.**

Jungkook bites his lip as he slides onto a comforter in the nonfiction section. Namjoon didn't do anything. He didn't mean to ignore him, but he doesn't know how to reply anymore. What is there to say?  _'Hi, hyung, sorry for ignoring you, I've just been having a gay crisis because I thought I was straight but it turns out I'm not? Sorry for ruining our sleepovers?'_ Yeah, no.

**[06:34:20] You've looked really upset the past few weeks. Did something happen???**

**[06:34:30] God I'm being overbearing again.**

**[06:34:38] I'm sorry. If you want me to come over, just text me. I'll be over no matter what. Promise.**

Jungkook puffs his cheeks out and rubs his temple, letting his breath out slowly. Guilt floods his system; Namjoon, though he hates to admit it, thrives on taking care of Jungkook. Jungkook fucking hates it because he always manages to fuck something up and freak Namjoon out. He hates it, but he knows Namjoon had made a promise to his mother before he had graduated saying that he'd take care of him. If Namjoon is consistent about one thing in his life, it's keeping promises.

He begins to type.

_Hey, joonie. Sorry ive been ignoring you. Ive just been having a really bad time lately. Especially after its been going so well for a while now. Ive been taking my pills like youve told me to but i dont think they work anymore but i dont want to tell you because i dont want you to get worried again because when you get worried you stop eating and get sick and i dont want you sick over me again-_

Backspace. He slides a hand over his face, exhaling harshly through his nose.

_Hi, joon. Sorry for avoiding you. I think i take you for granted and i dont deserve a friend as good as you. This sounds like i want pity but honestly i dont know what i want anymore. Im really ready to check myself into a hospital. I dont know who i am anymore and I think im gay or bi at least but i dont know and not knowing makes me so fed up and angry because i just dont know. Im either angry or emotionless and taehyung is kind of worried now because i suck at hiding it and i dont want to be a burden to him like i am to you but god i really think the sun shines out of his ass and hes the only thing that makes me feel like the stars were made for us and-_

Backspace. A dry cough scrapes its way from his lungs. Mrs. Gong is nowhere in sight, yet the door was unlocked. As long as she doesn't get on his ass about being on his phone for this long, he doesn't mind.

**[07:25:06] Sorry.**

 

 

Taehyung is as cheerful as always, which is to say about as cheerful as a puppy on a rainy day. He waves to Jungkook, a slight smile gracing his features. It leaves Jungkook's stomach fluttering like confetti in a windstorm. Fingers skim the sides of bookcases as Taehyung wanders to the fiction section.

Jungkook purses his lips and drums his fingers on the countertop. Since he called Taehyung out on his physics book stunt a few months ago, he's stopped trying to look for nonfiction books he doesn't care about and decided to start checking out a few fantasy series that were made into movies. He thinks he's reading some medieval series, but he's not sure.

Taehyung's head peeks around the corner of a bookcase and he looks down the aisle at Jungkook, grinning. He saunters through the aisle, holding a thick, tattered paperback book to his chest. Jungkook laughs breathily, his tiredness seemingly escaping him when Taehyung twirls and sets the book on the counter with a flourish.

"You're funnier than usual." Jungkook says, smiling to himself as he runs through his check-out routine. He lifts his gaze to meet Taehyung's as if to ask him to elaborate.

Taehyung shrugs, leaning on the counter. "It's nothing. I'm just happy today." He takes the pen that's linked to the countertop by a tiny beaded chain and starts drawing on Jungkook's hand. "So, where are we going today?"

"Huh?" Jungkook stifles a laugh, the tickling sensation of the pen making his hand twitch. "Were we supposed to hang out?" Taehyung frowns and holds Jungkook's hand down.

"I dunno, I just kinda assumed you'd be up for it. You've been looking pretty down lately." He pouts as he finishes the petals on a flower. "Do you not want to?"

Jungkook's hand is getting sweaty. "Uh, yes, I want to. Jaehwa isn't seeing me anymore, so I have more downtime-"

"Jaehwa-ssi broke up with you?" Taehyung's grip on his hand tightens, eyebrows knitting up. "Are you okay? Why did she break up with you?"

_Because of you._

"Y-yeah, I'm fine. Uh," Jungkook's eyebrow twitches as he wracks his brain for a reason that wouldn't ruin his friendship with Taehyung. "We just weren't... Compatible. I'm fine."

Taehyung's face softens and he reaches a hand out to him, his thumb stroking his cheek. "Now that I'm looking, you do look really tired. Poor baby. No wonder you've been so sad."

Jungkook wants to close his eyes and melt into Taehyung's gentle touch and tell him what's really on his mind, but he can't allow himself that privilege. He doesn't want to force himself onto Taehyung like that. "I told you, I'm fine. We can go do something."

"No." He pulls his hand away, leaning his crossed arms on the counter. "You need to go home and rest."

Jungkook rolls his eyes. "No, let's go do something. If you want to, I'm down."

"I  _own_ you. Don't make me pull the hyung card on you." 

" _Hyung,_ we can go out to eat."

"No."

"Fine. How about we go to the park? How is that? We can just sit in the park and do  _absolutely nothing._ "

Taehyung purses his lips, tapping his finger on his forearm. "Okay, fine."

Jungkook sets Taehyung's book by his hand. "My shift is over in 15 minutes. Wait for me."

"Alright. I'll be here." He gives Jungkook a greasy wink and sits at a table near Jungkook's desk. Against his own will, he feels his face turn a furious red, the blush only intensifying as someone comes by to ask if he could make a copy of their notes.

 

 

A couple jogs by the duo as they search for a place to sit. The clouds were rolling in across the city, the weather forecast calling for a large mid-April storm to inflict its wrath upon Seoul after being absent for most of the spring. Despite it being overcast, the humidity was high enough to make Jungkook feel sweaty (or maybe it's because Taehyung is sitting under a tree and smiling at him brilliantly and telling him to sit down next to him and enjoy the view and god if this doesn't feel sentimental and  _god_ if Jungkook isn't a sucker for sentimentality).

Stifling a yawn with a cough, Jungkook slinks over and sits a moderate way away from him. He doesn't want to freak Taehyung out by hanging all over him. He doesn't want to look needy or have Taehyung think he wants his pity. It's not like it's a big deal; he's still within arm's reach.

But Taehyung isn't even on the same page as his mind is, or on the same chapter, as he follows Taehyung's stare out to the rest of the park.

Kids are playing in the fountain, splashing around and holding up various coins that were wished upon and tossed into the pool. Students from various universities sneak around the park with expensive looking cameras dangling from their necks, hunting for the perfect shot for their digital photo courses. Couples are easily spotted, either walking down one of the differing paths stemming from the center fountain with their hands entwined, or on picnic blankets, tangled up as they share food and stories.

Jealousy's ugly head rears in Jungkook's mind as he watches another couple who sit under a tree together. They sit with their arms around each other as they share stories and laugh, caught up in the moment in all the right ways. He bites his tongue, feeling bitter and desolate and absolutely fucking  _envious_ as they share a sweet, unabating kiss. Jungkook feels the awful pang of loneliness smash into his chest as he grabs a stick and draws in the dirt by the base of the tree.

"It's so weird when you remove yourself from the ecosystem of the park and just watch. It feels like I'm watching an ant farm." Taehyung's gaze flicks to Jungkook for a second, then back out at the park.

Jungkook studies his profile, his lips, the way his adam's apple bobs when he swallows, feeling his fingers twitch. 

"It's kind of beautiful, y'know?" Taehyung turns his head toward Jungkook again, serene look on his face replaced by a confused one. "Is there something on my face?"

Pressing his lips together, he shakes his head and subconsciously stares at his lips then back up at his eyes.

 _God,_ he's  _kind of beautiful._ Taehyung's eyelashes flutter with a slight tilt of the head, analyzing Jungkook's gaze. Jungkook knows he's on the brink of realizing, on the brink of finding him out, but  _fuck_ if Jungkook doesn't feel some sort of sick excitement and dread at the idea.  _Scratch that, he's gorgeous._

He knows he's going to ruin their friendship, going to ruin the harmony of their dynamic, but he just  _doesn't fucking care anymore_ and Jungkook reaches out and takes Taehyung's face in his hands and finally,  _finally_ brings their lips together.

The bad thoughts stop. In fact, all of his thoughts stop because he's kissing Kim Taehyung and it feels so natural, so amazing, even if it's awkward and his neck hurts from kissing him at such an odd angle and  _holy shit he's kissing him back._

Taehyung leans into the kiss, mouth opening and letting his tongue slide into Jungkook's mouth. Jungkook starts to shake, trembling hands moving to the loose material of the hoodie hanging off of Taehyung's shoulders and gripping it tight as he feels the side of his nose press against Taehyung's, pulling him into himself, more, more,  _more-_

They break apart with a wet noise when Jungkook lets out a tiny moan, panting. Jungkook tugs Taehyung forward, trying to connect their lips again because  _god, those lips_ , but Taehyung pushes him away weakly, restrained.

"I don't want to be your rebound." Taehyung says, voice void of any color. He removes Jungkook's hands from where they were bunched up in the collar of his sweatshirt and rests them in his lap, gentle, and turns away, staring back out into the park. He touches his lips with the tips of his fingers.

Jungkook's mouth works open and closed as he tries to stutter an answer out. "I-I didn't mean it like that, Taehyung, you're not my rebound. I'm sorry."

Taehyung stares at the blades of grass a few feet away from the base of the tree, yellowing from the recent dry spell. It's fine. Just don't do it again."

Jungkook watches Taehyung bite his knuckle, deep in thought. He worries his lip between his teeth, feeling the sting of embarrassment and deep fiery burn of shame boil in his chest and rise up in his throat. He's so fucking  _angry_ with himself. Why couldn't he control himself? He didn't even ask Taehyung if he could kiss him.  _Such a creep._

The silence makes his anxiety intensify. Every second that ticks by causes the exasperation he feels at himself to grow in size. His bottom lip wobbles and he realizes too late what his blurry vision and trembling shoulders are leading to and he barely manages to suppress a sob. The lump in his throat doubles and makes it even more difficult to hold back his hiccups and he puts a hand over his mouth to repress another noise.

He squeezes his eyes tight; Jesus, if he's so embarrassed by himself, imagine how  _Taehyung_ feels? He probably feels  _humiliated,_ having his personal space invaded, let alone by someone like Jungkook, someone who doesn't even know what he wants and can't even wait until he's in his own room to cry.

Taehyung's shoulders stiffen at the first muffled sob Jungkook lets out, but drop when he hears the second. He looks, from Jungkook's point of view, like he's disappointed. He doesn't say anything, though, and gives Jungkook a moment to himself.

He tries to collect himself, digging his nails into his palm and wiping away his tears with his sleeve with haste.

"I'll walk you back to your apartment." Taehyung says. Is that... Pity? Is he feeling sorry for him?

(Later, he realizes it's empathy.)

Jungkook nods, pulling the hood of his sweatshirt over his head. The walk back to his apartment is silent and the most strained it's ever been. He can't read Taehyung's body language and the rare glimpses he catches of his face show a complex expression Jungkook can't really understand.

Taehyung stops in front of the door to Jungkook's place, finally turning toward him as he steps out of the way. Jungkook pulls his keys out, avoiding Taehyung's eyes. As he unlocks the door and enters his apartment, he feels Taehyung's heavy stare on his back and he chances a glance back. He looks unsettled and... Worried?

They don't say goodbye. Jungkook closes and locks the door behind him, walking into his apartment with numbness in his heart. He can't hear Taehyung's footsteps that tell him he's left the area, but he assumes he's not there as there's no reaction from behind the door as a heavy boom resonates from the apartment.

 _"Fuck!"_ He screams, pulling his now bloodied knuckles away from the door. There's no mark on the cheap paint. It only serves to make him angrier as another slam elicits from his messy knuckles and the off-white paint of the wood.

"Fuckup, fuckup,  _fuckup!"_ He crouches down, pain shooting through his fingers as he grips his hair with a wicked tightness. His rage quickly gives way to melancholy as his shouts of self-hatred become small sobs.

The grip on his hair tightens when he hears the jiggle of the locked door handle, then reluctant footfalls leading away from the door.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: direct mention of self-harm (specifically cuts/cutting). not graphic or in detail.

If a cryptid is something mythical seen once in a blue moon, then by definition, Taehyung is a South Korean cryptid.

Well, actually,  _ seeing _ Taehyung was pretty easy to do. Jungkook would see him constantly, walking into or out of one of the huge buildings on campus, or past his  _ (their) _ favorite restaurants.  _ Catching _ Taehyung, on the other hand, was an entirely different matter.

After the kiss (now deemed The Incident in Jungkook's brain), every time Jungkook runs into Taehyung, the older has been short with him. Each terse conversation was awkward, painful, and Taehyung would end the conversation with a tight-lipped smile and a curt nod, walking away with a stiff spine. And every time Jungkook would watch him go, the knot in his throat would wound itself tighter and tighter.

He knew Taehyung needed time. He knows Taehyung  _ still  _ needs time, but the tiny voice in his mind always says  _ it was only a kiss! It was only a kiss! _ But Jungkook keeps himself and his _Mr. Brightside_ lyrics chained back, because he knows Taehyung is weary of him. How would he feel if one of his presumably straight friends suddenly came onto him? Wouldn’t it make him feel like a second choice? A plan B? A rebound?

The bench creaks as he rests his weight on it, old paint on the wood dull from years of sitting in sun, rain, and snow. It’s cold under his thighs, despite the uncomfortable humidity of Seoul in late April. The sun is completely hidden behind blotches of graphite and pewter. Despite the congested, busy sky, the atmosphere was quiet. 

Earthquake weather.

Jungkook’s eyes are trained on the pale building. Taehyung was getting out of his European History class in a few minutes, and from past experience, the professor typically finished her lecture a few minutes early. He hated feeling like a stalker, waiting for Taehyung to come out of class, but he honestly didn’t know a better way to get a hold of him.

Right on cue, students streamed out the door, talking quietly in pairs or trios, or keeping mostly to themselves. Jungkook bit his lip, eyes scouring the crowd until he caught sight of Taehyung’s head of black hair, a droplet of ink on a blank piece of paper. 

Jungkook willed himself to stand and begin to walk toward him, scanning his profile. He hadn’t had the chance to see Taehyung in about a week now, and he didn’t look the same as the Taehyung he knew and remembered in his head. His skin was now paler and had less color, less _life_ , and he found himself missing the rich brown that was blessed upon Taehyung's skin. His eyelids were drooping, as if he’d lost hours of sleep, and his hair was tousled under his beanie. 

As Jungkook approaches, Taehyung reaches up to adjust his mask and takes notice of Jungkook’s bee-line headed directly for him, and with wide eyes, begins to turn away. Jungkook grits his teeth, biting back his pride and dignity, and reaches out.

“Wait!” It comes out as a muted shout, all bark and no bite, as he weakly tugs at Taehyung’s wrist. It’s thinner than he remembers it being. “Wait.” 

Jungkook sounds pathetic, he  _ knows _ he sounds pathetic, but somehow, it makes Taehyung stop for a few seconds before turning around. He looks tired. Burdened. Spine slouched, Taehyung’s eyes flit around until they hesitantly land on Jungkook.

“I,” Jungkook starts, but the knot in his throat tightens as Taehyung’s eyes tear into his soul. “I, Taehyung, I’m-”

“Please don’t waste your time.” The words are muffled behind the gray mask. He wishes he could see the rest of Taehyung’s face; stare at anything besides the intimidating block of ashen-colored cloth on half of Taehyung’s face and his stunning, paralyzing eyes. 

Jungkook gapes. “What?”

“Don’t waste your time.” Taehyung says. “Move on, Jungkook.”

“Tae, I-”

Taehyung’s brows furrow. “It’s not good for you. You’ll never be happy if you keep doing this.”

“Doing  _ what?  _ Trying to talk to you? How are either of us going to be happy if you won’t talk to me?”

“You don’t  _ know, _ ” Taehyung steps in his space, the closest he’s been in weeks, and puts a finger on the center of Jungkook’s chest. “What this is like.”

“What is  _ this?  _ Define  _this._ Why are you being so passive-aggressive all of a sudden? Why can’t you just  _ talk to me? _ ” He tightens his grip on Taehyung's wrist and slaps his finger away from his chest.

Taehyung lets out a breath, posture slightly wilting and eyes closing. “God, you’re just like him.”

Jungkook bares his teeth. “Hey, do  _ not _ compare me to  _ him.  _ You are  _ not  _ my rebound.” Taehyung's warm hand suddenly engulfs Jungkook's, but he realizes its purpose is to free, not soothe, and he releases his wrist. Taehyung pulls his wrist away.

The younger reaches out to grab him, touch him again, anything, but Taehyung gently,  _ always gently, _ deflects his attempts. He reaches up to his face.

“Just,” Taehyung takes off his mask. “Take this. To remember me.” Before Jungkook can speak, Taehyung is putting his mask on Jungkook, slipping the straps over his ears, letting his fingers brush on his cheekbones and holding his face delicately, as if taking him in one last time before pulling away.

Any and all anger in Jungkook is drowned out by the warmth of fondness and the twinge of absolute guilt. “Taehyung, what-”

“I can’t do this, Jungkook. I can’t do this with you.” Taehyung’s lips are chapped and look as if he had been picking at them. Recent acne scars litter his cheeks.

“You can’t what? Be friends with me?” 

“We aren’t friends.” Taehyung says, but there’s no contempt or bite in his tone, just dreadful finality. He breathes in through his nose, eyes staring out and away from Jungkook.

Jungkook feels the hot sting of tears flooding his eyes, blurring Taehyung’s face from his view. “Just be honest with me. I don't know what you want. Give me a straight answer."

Taehyung doesn’t say anything, though. He takes one last look at Jungkook, eyes glassy, and he shoves his hands in his jeans and walks away. He wants to go after him, try it again, but his feet stay planted where they are. He’s helpless as he watches Taehyung’s back until he disappears around a corner.

He learns that sleeves are good for wiping away silent tears, and people in a crowd will not stop to ask you why you’re crying.

  
  


Jungkook hasn’t seen Taehyung in two weeks. Not around campus, not at Yoongi’s, not at the studio, not even at his dorm.

“Nah, he packed a bag and left, like, two weeks ago?” His roommate drawled, shoulder pressed into their dorm’s door frame. “I mean, 90% of his shit is still here. Just told me he was going on a trip.”

“Oh,” Jungkook had answered, dejected.

“Yeah, sorry, kiddo.” He scratches at his undercut. “By the way, why’re you wearing that mask indoors? We have air conditioning in here.”

Jungkook didn’t answer, just walked down the hallway and out of the building.

Jimin only offered a shrug and said he probably went back to Daegu for a bit. Hoseok ruffled his hair and kissed the crown of his head. Yoongi, also hailing from Daegu, didn’t answer, and, sensing his bad mood, silently made him another cup of tea.

Namjoon’s cologne is still as gentle and comforting as he remembers it to be, allowing it to wash over him as the elder settles across from him in their booth. He’s as reserved as always as he looks over the menu.

“How about... Grilled cheese? You always liked grilled cheese.” Namjoon suggests raising an eyebrow. Jungkook shrugs, staring out the window at the cars passing by.

He feels Namjoon’s stare resting on him for a few more seconds, curious, until he reads through the menu again. The sound of the diner’s hustle and bustle are stifling and obnoxious and all Jungkook wants to do is to shrink into the corner and disappear.

The waiter comes by, smiles politely and takes their order. Namjoon orders for Jungkook. Jungkook doesn’t say anything. He watches their lips and tongues wrap around words in a foreign language Jungkook has known his entire life.

“Jungkook.” Namjoon says, voice low. Jungkook finally meets his gaze.

Despite Jungkook’s avoidance of him for weeks, Namjoon’s expression is still soft, head tilted in caring question, and Jungkook feels his face heat up in shame. “I’m sorry, hyung, I didn’t mean to ignore you.”

Namjoon laughs, shaking his head. “I’m not mad, Guk. I know you’re busy. I’m just,” He folds a napkin over a fork. “Worried.”

Jungkook crosses his legs, digging his nails into his palm. “Worried?” He’s making him  _ worried. _

He takes a deep breath, steadying himself. “I’m worried you’re cutting again.”

Breath catching, Jungkook bites his lip, stirring his drink. “Why?”

“You get distant when you start again.” Namjoon sounds removed, the way he always does when he gets lost in his thoughts, and recites an automatic  _ thank you _ when their food is set in front of them. 

Namjoon had ordered him his favorite. A personal pizza. He felt sick.

“I’m not.” Jungkook exhales, shaking his head.

“You’re wearing sleeves more.” Namjoon notes, taking a small bite of his sandwich.

“It’s been raining the past month. It gets pretty chilly.” 

Namjoon tilts his head, scrutinizing his sandwich. “Even when I come visit you at your apartment, you’re wearing sleeves.”

“I just,” Jungkook says, breathing harshly out of his nose. “I don't like looking at them. The scars. I'm not. I’ll even let you look.” Namjoon usually doesn’t push it that far.

“Okay, I will.” Namjoon meets his eyes, level and searching, and Jungkook bites his tongue and sniffs, a sign that's a dead giveaway for someone like Namjoon. Namjoon sighs and squeezes his eyes shut.

“Hyung,” Jungkook breathes, putting his slice of pizza down and reaching across the table. “Hyung, don’t cry, please, I’m sorry..”

Namjoon shakes his head, breath shuddering as he rests his food on the plate. “Guk, it’s fine.” He presses a hand to his mouth and exhales shakily.

Jungkook stares, wide eyed, at Namjoon’s expression, his tensed shoulders, stiff spine. Slowly, he retracts his hand and waits.

He slowly begins to collect himself. He leans back against the cushioning of the booth, eyes hooded, bloodshot, and unreadable. 

Jungkook offers a shaky smile. “Can I do anything?”  _ Please? _

Pursing his lips, Namjoon tilts his head again. “Enjoy your food.” 

“Okay, hyung.” Jungkook agrees hastily, eating his pizza with desperate vigor.

Namjoon doesn’t touch his sandwich for the rest of the night.

  
  
  


He tries again.

_ Brrrng. _

_ Brrrng. _

_ Brrrng. _

_ Brrrng. _

“ _ Hi, this is Kim Taehyung! I can’t get to my phone right now, so leave a message and I’ll probably forget to call you back!” _

Jungkook hangs up. He curls further into himself, staring at Taehyung’s contact picture on his phone. His bed feels barren and freezing, like a white snowstorm in the arctic, and he feels ice stick in his heart. 

Namjoon left a few hours ago. He didn’t say anything else, about him cutting, about what his problem is, nothing but a hug and a kiss to his forehead. He said nothing, but had ended up soothing Jungkook’s raw nerves.

They were like that, sometimes; Namjoon and Jungkook were the same in many ways, but stronger together in their differences. Where Namjoon would be laid-back and take a calmer approach, Jungkook would take it head-on and muscle through a problem. Namjoon inspired peace in Jungkook, and Jungkook inspired passion in Namjoon. 

Namjoon’s influence didn’t last as long as he had wanted it to, though, because here he is, at 4 in the morning, staring at Taehyung’s contact like it were the last thing he would ever see. 

Taehyung is gone. The thought makes Jungkook sob slightly. He feels so pathetic.

He taps on his contact picture. It’s of him and Taehyung, smiling at a Valentine’s Day festival back in February. Taehyung was laughing, shoving a piece of cotton candy in Jungkook’s mouth as Jungkook yelled.

Jungkook closes the app, navigating to his photos with sudden haste. He scrolls through his pictures, landing mid-February and finds his contact photo again. He swipes to the next picture. Jungkook is smiling for the camera this time, but Taehyung isn’t looking, his face blurry as he had tilted his head forward mid-laugh.

The next picture, neither are looking at the camera. Jungkook is staring up at something offscreen, distracted. He remembers fireworks, pink and red and white hues lighting up the sky. Taehyung is looking at neither sky or camera; he’s looking at  _ Jungkook _ . Jungkook locks his phone.

_ The boom from the first firework hits his ears and makes him jolt. “They’re doing fireworks tonight?” _

_ He feels Taehyung’s shoulder move up and down against his in a shrug. “Guess so.” _

_ Jungkook grins, staring up at the sky as more colors grace the crisp black of February’s night sky. “I love the colors! I just don’t like the booms so much.” He purses his lips, putting his arm down and putting his phone to sleep.  _

_ They watch the fireworks for a few minutes before Jungkook feels a pair of lips on his cheek. Jungkook’s head whips around to stare at Taehyung, who smiles and giggles fondly. _

_ “Hyung!” Jungkook shrieks, pushing his shoulder jokingly. “You’re cruel.” _

Jungkook’s eyebrows knitted together in concern. Had he lead Taehyung on? He wishes he could go back. He wants to go back to those times, back to the beginning of their friendship, when everything was new and exciting and they would go out and have fun just to have fun.

He wishes he didn’t ruin everything they had.

Jungkook rolls onto his side, watching as his clock ticks. It’s five in the morning, and Jungkook feels more alone than he has in years.

  
  
  


Jimin’s text is what gets him out of bed.

**[06:45:02] He’s fine. Don’t worry.**

**[06:46:13] He got back two hours ago.**

Jungkook stares at the two blue bubbles, drinking in the information like water in a desert oasis.

**[06:47:31] Can i see him**

**[06:47:42] Please**

Jimin types for a minute, then stops, then types again. He stops again, this time for a few minutes.

**[06:51:39] Come by the studio first. I’ll think about it. I’ll be there at 7.**

Jungkook is out of his apartment by 6:58, managing to brush his teeth and take a  _ very  _ quick shower before rushing out onto the empty backstreet. As soon as he steps onto the street, he’s sprinting. A brisk walk to Jimin and Hoseok’s dance studio is typically ten minutes, but he makes it in five.

When the bell on the door jingles, Jimin had barely put his bag down. The elder rolls his shoulders back and angles himself toward Jungkook, indifferent expression morphing into a horrified one as he's met with a blotchy and out of breath Jungkook.

“Did you run here?” Jimin asks, eyes widening as he shuffles over in his sandals to the water cooler. Jungkook nods as Jimin hands him a paper cup filled with water, bowing his head a bit in thanks as he downs it.

“Jeez, I said  _ I’d _ be here at seven, not that you’d have to be here at seven.” He laughs to himself, then quiets. “Guess you  _ do  _ want to see him that badly.”

Something tugs  _ hard  _ in Jungkook’s chest. “Is he..?”

“No, he’s not here.” Jimin sighs, sliding his sandals off and settling onto the floor. He motions for Jungkook to sit and begins to stretch.

“Oh.” Jungkook sounds more disappointed than he meant to let on. Jimin ignores it and fixes him with a look.

“You gonna watch me, or are you going to stretch?” He asks, sticking his legs out straight and bending at the waist to touch his socked feet.

Jungkook’s mouth opens, dry. “Uh, I’m not going to dance?”

“You just ran here. I’m assuming you didn’t stretch before dragging your ass out of bed and running here, so you better stretch now before your legs are too sore to carry your sorry ass home.” Jimin scoffs. His standard Seoulite accent is chased by his satoori, the hint of Busan's sharp dialect soothing to Jungkook's ears. 

“Sorry, Jimin.” He mutters, attempting to copy Jimin’s stretch.

Jimin huffs. “ _ Jimin-hyung _ . God, I’ll fucking kick you out.” He scolds, then mutters to himself. 

Jungkook smiles to himself. Making Jimin pissed was effortless.

Jimin has Jungkook help him with a couple of stretches. “I’ll be so far ahead of Hoseok-hyung, he won’t even have time to blink when I do some sort of acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle into his dick.”

“Hyung, you sound like Yoongi-hyung. I don’t remember you having such a dirty mouth.” Jungkook says, pushing on Jimin’s back to lead him further into his stretch.

“Well, I don’t remember you being such a dirty fucking slut with Taehyung, but y’know, potayto potahto!” Jimin snaps. Jungkook immediately backs off, scalded, and Jimin quickly faces him.

“Fuck, Jungkook, I’m sorry.” Jimin’s suddenly a lot quieter, his biting personality replaced with something more nurturing. “I’m sorry. I get out of hand sometimes.”

“It’s fine.” Jungkook offers a smile, but Jimin doesn’t seem to buy it. “I’m like that, too.”

Jimin snorts. “Hoseok-hyung says it’s because we’re from Busan. He doesn’t get it, though, being from Gwangju and all.”  Jungkook hums, staring at his hands. "I'm sorry. You're not a dirty slut. I know you haven't done anything with each other."

He hears Jimin shuffle around in his spot, the wet sound of his mouth when he opens it to speak, then closes it again when he finds nothing to say.

“Taehyung won’t respond to me.” Jungkook says, putting his phone in front of him and staring at the black screen.

“Why?” 

Jungkook fixes his stare on Jimin. “You know damn well why.”

Jimin takes a sip of his protein shake, holding Jungkook’s gaze. He sets it down and raises an eyebrow. 

The younger squirms in his spot, the corners of his lips tugging down. “I kissed him. He said he didn’t want to be my rebound. I said he wasn’t. I think he didn’t believe me.”

“Well,” Jimin taps his fingers on the lid of his shake. “Did you?”

“Did I what?”

“Use him as a rebound.”

“No. I don’t think so.”

“Then why did you kiss him?”

Jungkook stares at an oval in the wood flooring. He can feel Jimin’s gaze burning holes into his face.

“Did you just want to mess with him? Mess with his feelings?” His voice conceals its emotion well, but the way Jimin’s fingers tighten around the plastic of the cup until his knuckles are white speaks volumes.

“No!” Jungkook exclaims, slamming his hands on the floor beside him. “No.”

“Then why?” Jimin pressed.

“I kissed him because,” Jungkook scrambled for words. “Because it felt right.”

Jimin snorts. “Christ.”

“I don’t know how else to say it. He’s just…”

The elder picks up Jungkook’s phone, waking it from it’s slumber. The lockscreen is a picture of Taehyung and Jungkook at what looks like a Valentine’s Day carnival. They’re both smiling. Cute.

“Precious?”

The bridge of Jungkook’s nose is dusted pink, and he nods vigorously. “Yeah.”

Jimin puts his phone down. “Yeah, I know how that one is.” He puts his arm over his head, using his other hand to push his elbow down to stretch his bicep. “He’ll be here in a few minutes.”

Jungkook’s eyes nearly bulge out of his head. “A few  _ minutes? _ ”

Jimin shrugs. “Yeah, you wanted to see him, right?”

The younger gets up and paces frantically. “I don’t know what to say to him! I barely even know how to describe him, and now I’m gonna fuck it all up. I shouldn’t’ve done this. I should just go home.”

Jimin stands, sighing, and moves to the side of the door. “Too late now. He’s probably here already-”

Just then, Taehyung bursts through the door. “Jiminnie! My mom made a  _ bunch _ of food, she said to say hi-” His smile immediately drops off of his face as soon as his eyes land on a lone Jungkook in the center of the room. Jimin steps in front of the door, producing his phone and earbuds from his pocket.

“Hi, Taehyungie. That's great! Tell her I say hello back.” Jimin greets, squeezing his shoulder. He gives Jungkook a thumbs up and places his earbuds in his ear, sinking down in front of the door like a boulder in the sea.

Taehyung is frozen, staring at Jungkook for what seems to be the longest time. Jungkook wets his lips and clears his throat.

“I didn’t plan this.”

“I know.”  _ Fuck, _ Jungkook missed his deep drawl, his slight tinge of an accent boosted by being home for two weeks. 

“I think if you didn’t talk to me any longer, I might’ve broken into your house.” Jungkook regrets it as soon as the words leave his lips, cringing outwardly and avoiding eye contact to lessen the blow of Taehyung’s reaction.

“I… I have been talking to you.” Taehyung says.

Jungkook snorts. “No. You’ve said hi back, make three seconds of small talk then run away. The only time that was different was before you left.”

Taehyung’s smile doesn’t meet his eyes. “You’re wearing my mask. I thought you would’ve thrown it away by now.”

Self-conscious, Jungkook’s fingers fly up to his chin where the soft gray mask sits, tucked under his chin. “No.”

Taehyung hums, scratching at his chin, then looks back to the door, frowning when he spots Jimin lying against it, watching a video. “Jungkook, why do you want me here?”

“What?” He narrows his eyes. 

Humorless, he laughs. “You got me here. What do you want?”

“I want to fix us. I want to talk about what happened.” 

“About what? Nothing happened.”

“No, Taehyung, something did happen, and I know that if Jimin wasn’t sitting in front of the way out, you’d be long gone by now.” Jungkook crosses his arms over his chest.

Taehyung frowns. “Why the hell is it so important to you, anyways? You can just get another friend. You’re very attractive, Jungkook, I don’t mean just physically.”

Jungkook’s ears are flaming as he clenches his fists. “You said it yourself. We’re not friends.”

He hums again, nodding and rubbing at a spot on the floor with his shoe. “Guess that’s the end of that.”

“No.” Jungkook dares to take a step closer. “We’re more than friends. I want to be more than friends, and I… I think you’d want that, too. Or you wanted that.”

“What makes you think that?” Taehyung asks, curiosity piqued.

“You don’t just kiss someone like  _ that _ . I hope you felt something too.” Jungkook is shivering, but the studio is so fucking warm and humid and he can’t really breathe. “I felt so alive, kissing you.”

Taehyung’s hands are shaking at his sides. “Isn’t this stalking? Trapping me in a room with you? By force?”

“Jimin would move, if you asked him to. You can beat me up. I don't care. In movies, this would be considered romantic.” Jungkook tries.

“Only if both parties were interested in each other.” Taehyung scratches at his nose, not meeting Jungkook's eyes.

Ouch.

Jungkook starts to pace again. “What is it? What’s wrong? Why is this such a big deal? Why can’t you just talk to me about it? Or just tell me to fuck off? I'd fuck off you asked. Why are you making me chase after you?”

A heavy boom comes from the force of Taehyung’s boot hitting the floor. Jimin jolts back a bit, eyes flicking between the two. “You didn’t have to chase after me!” Taehyung’s shout is harsh and orotund, and it's the loudest he's ever heard Taehyung. “It was your decision! You could’ve just let me go! I told you not to waste your fucking time on me!”

“I didn’t want to make you do anything you didn’t want to do, but you kissed me back! I’m sorry I invaded your personal space, but  _ you kissed me back!  _ You fucking kissed me  _ back _ , Taehyung, don’t tell me that doesn’t mean anything to you!” Jungkook’s cheeks are fiery and red, voice taut and thick with emotion.

When the haze begins to disappear from Jungkook’s mind, he realizes Taehyung’s eyes are brimming with unshed tears. The elder grits his teeth. “It fucking doesn’t, Jungkook. We’re just friends.”

“Oh, we’re  _ just friends? _ So you taking me on  _ dates _ almost every single day for the past few months is _just friends?_  Sharing our hopes and dreams and aspirations and  _ souls _ with each other is _just friends?_ It means  _nothing?_ ” Jungkook is positively spitting with rage now, and the logical part of his brain really can’t get a hold of his wrath. “It doesn’t mean  _ jack fucking SHIT to you? _ I caught you staring at me almost every fucking day with heart eyes and I know you catch me doing it too! Why do you keep denying this?!”

“Because the last time I dated a straight boy I got ostracized from my entire class! Is that a good enough answer? Will you stop chasing me now?” Tears flood over Taehyung’s cheeks and he wipes them away furiously.

Jungkook’s voice catches in his throat. Taehyung continues on without him.

“I don’t want to date you because you’re just going to realize that this is a phase, and you’ll just dump me like it’s absolutely nothing and like we had no chemistry. I’m sick and tired of being lead on by straight boys.” He takes in a shaky breath. “It happens every fucking time.”

“I’m not- I’m not leading you on!” Jungkook interjects. “I really want this to work out. I want us to work out.”

“We won’t.” The light that’s usually laced in his words has flickered and died. “It never works out.”

Desperation claws at Jungkook’s back, raking it's terrible, painful claws down his body and through his heart. “Taehyung, I want you in my life. You’re just running away from this instead of dealing with it.”

“Well,” Taehyung swallows thickly. “I don’t want to deal with you right now. I think it’s better if we stop hanging out. For both of us.”

Tears burn on Jungkook’s cheeks, leaving freezing trails in their wake. “What? What are you doing?”

“Helping both of us.” He turns. Jimin disappeared from his post and is nowhere to be seen. “It’s better for us to just focus on ourselves. You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.” Taehyung’s face is eerily devoid of any emotion, eyes betraying his dead expression as he stares back at Jungkook, swimming with misery. The tears on his cheeks have dried.

“Taehyung,” Jungkook calls out, wobbly and frantic. “Stop. This isn’t the right way to handle this. You can’t just cut me off like this.”

“It’s better this way. Straight and gay people are oil and water. We don’t mix well with each other.” 

“I’m not fucking straight.” Jungkook falls to his knees in front of Taehyung. “I’m not straight. I’m sorry." His hand comes up to grasp at Taehyung's windbreaker weakly. "I’m sorry. I love you.” He chokes around a sob. Taehyung freezes. “I’m sorry I love you.”

“I’m sorry too.” He opens the door. The clouds have unleashed their wrath on Seoul; they're in the middle of a downpour. “You deserve better than what I can give you. I’m doing this for you.”

Taehyung steps into the torrential rain and closes the door. Jungkook lets out a heartbroken scream, hears Taehyung’s deep sobs grow fainter as he moves further and further away from him. He lets his back slam into the wall next to the door, wailing into his hands uncontrollably.

He hurts. His chest hurts from heaving out cries that echo around the empty, looming studio. His arm hurts from where his nails dig into his forearms, into his healing cuts, but nothing hurts like his heart.

He doesn’t realize someone is shushing him and carding their fingers through his hair until he comes back to his senses. His bangs are drenched in sweat, his shirt in the same condition. He finally pulls his head out of his hands.

The person’s face is blurry, and he can’t make them out. “Taehyung?”

“No.” Jeolla.

He sniffs. “I told him I loved him.”

“I know.”

“I do. I do love him.”

“I’m aware.”

Two strong hands wrap around his biceps and pull him upwards. Then, he’s suddenly being carried bridal style. “Who are you?”

“Your hyung.” Jungkook rubs his eyes, hiccuping. Hoseok is smiling at him, but his eyes are somber and his smile is hollow. “You have to hold the umbrella, okay?”

Jungkook nods, and Hoseok carries him home through the downpour.


	7. Chapter 7

Words are simple.

Words are composed of letters. In the English language, there are 26 letters in the alphabet, 5 of which are vowels and 21 of which are consonants.

Vowels are typically spoken with an open, solid sound without any friction that is audible to the ear. Consonants are almost like punctuation to a vowel. The only vowels that can stand alone without a consonant are  _a_ and  _i._ Example?  _I_ love you  _a_ lot.

Using  _a_ in a sentence to signify the singularity of a noun can be confusing. Usually, if the singular noun starts with a vowel sound, one should say  _an_ instead of  _a._ Example?  _I_ owe you  _an_ apology. 

Words are simple, while Jungkook is simply not.

Days after the fight, Jungkook had wandered around campus to his various classes. He could barely feel the pen in hand. Faded blue lines confine him, cage him in like an animal.

He saw Hoseok a lot. The brunet fussed, scolding him for not wearing a coat when it was still fucking raining or forgetting his breakfast. He couldn't find the energy to reply. Hoseok knew and was patient anyway.

The library was filled with glimpses and memories. A touch to a certain few books will send him barreling down memory lane, back to when it was simpler, but his heartache always brings him back to the present. Tears sting, but he can't seem to let them fall.

The third day post-Taehyung, he saw  _him._ He seemed tired. Exhausted. Empty. He looked like hell. He looked like salvation.

He makes mistakes in a rapid succession.

His first mistake was running to him.

His second was grabbing his hand.

His third was the feeling of hope and determination influencing the scattered apology that tumbled from his lips.

Taehyung didn't meet his eyes. He shook his head. His hand was cold, and when it slipped from his, a numb sensation wound its paralyzing tendrils around his chest and rattled his ribcage until the pained look that glazed over Taehyung's face hit him.

He doesn't remember how he got back. The memory is blurry, the mass of tears that blotted his vision the culprit, but he remembers pulling his keys from his pocket. His hands were trembling, almost dropping the keys numerous times as his tears hung on his eyelashes. The door was closed and locked as quickly as possible before he collapsed in the entryway.

Tears truly flow like a river, and he can't remember how long he cried for. It felt like seconds when he buried his face in his hands, minutes when he gripped at his hair, hours when his body shuddered with the force of his hiccuping, days, weeks, months, years, millennia.

Eventually he couldn't cry anymore. His hands would itch to reach for a blade, something to distract from the pain, the nausea of whatever  _this_ was, and at times he would comply. What did he have to lose?

(Everything.)

His wrathful distraction loses out to a more intimate one. Sex was passionate, required effort, and kept his grief at bay.

Fingers skimmed over bodies and limbs, gripping or pleasuring rather than harming and cutting. Jungkook's head spun as he sifted through partner after partner, waking up at a different place every night with a soreness in his ass and another hole in his heart.

 

 

His fourth mistake was Hoseok.

Hoseok found him at a bar, grinding on a horny dude, sober as hell but drunk on the intensity of lust. He had pulled him off of the handsy stranger and out of the sweaty club.

"What the hell is up with you? I haven't seen you for weeks!" He could barely hear Hoseok yell; the bass of the club was still making his ears thrum. "We've been looking for you everywhere!" His angry tonality struggled to reach his bass-deafened ears.

Hoseok brought him to a small apartment complex. Jungkook didn't bother to attempt fighting him; this was Hoseok's apartment. Hoseok's.

His sleep-deprived brain hounded his eyes for details they were too tired to take in.  _Hoseok's_. Maybe he should've fallen in love with Hoseok.

Why not? He cared. He chased Jungkook around town trying to help him. He brought him to his own private home. He brought him in, changed him into his clothes, helped him into his  _own bed._

Hoseok had pulled the sheets up to his chest, had brushed his sweaty bangs away from his forehead. A compassionate gaze washed over Hoseok's tense expression as he placed a cup of water on the nightstand beside him.

Turning away, Hoseok moves to stand. He couldn't think. Suddenly, he held Hoseok's hand in his, and he pulled him back to his side.

"Hyung," Jungkook remembers whispering. His throat hurt, either from shoving someone's privates down his throat or screaming his fucking head off into a pillow for the past few weeks.

"What's wrong?" Hoseok had whispered, concern lacing his words.

(He hates himself. He hates himself for doing this to Hoseok.)

Jungkook had kissed him, brought him into his fucked up world of using sex to fill the gaping hole in his wounded heart. He soon had Hoseok's shirt off and hastily rid them of any other clothes, and Hoseok's skin was so  _hot_ beneath his touch. It burned him and seared itself into his soul.

It was pity. It was a pity fuck.

(Hoseok used to take him for ice cream. Hoseok liked mint ice cream the best.

He would mess up Jungkook's hair by ruffling it, and Jungkook would always glare up at his doting smile. Shaking his head, Hoseok would snort and flick him in the forehead with a  _'brat',_ producing a grunt from the younger. 

Hoseok loved to spoil him. Yoongi constantly scolded him for it, told him it would make Jungkook ungrateful. Hoseok would only roll his eyes, chuckling, and Taehyung would laugh and wind his arm around Jungkook's.

Hoseok gives, and Jungkook takes.)

He digs his palms into his eyes, the cool breeze of the light night brushing his arms too softly, too comfortingly. Hoseok sleeps soundly next to him, snoring slightly as if nothing were wrong, as if Jungkook hadn't slept with him, hadn't brought him into his mess.

Jungkook bites his lip, pulling Hoseok's thin sheet over the older's broad, tan back as goosebumps appear on his skin with the kiss of the night's wind. Regret pulses over him in a fresher wave. He shouldn't have done this. Hoseok doesn't deserve to be hurt.

"I'm so sorry." He whispers, tucking a lock of stray hair behind Hoseok's ear. All Hoseok wanted to do was help him. He wanted to help, yet Jungkook brought him into his wild array of partners with no face. He doesn't know which is worse: Knowing none of your partners' faces, or knowing one too well.

He has enough sense in him to leave a note. It's simple, to the point, and contains five words:  _I'm sorry. You deserve better._

 

 

His own apartment is stagnant. The moon is setting, leaving tall rays of moonlight cast into the room, highlighting dust particles floating and leaving a stale taste in his mouth. Despite his room being dormant, the rage building in his throat threatens to erupt.

How  _dare_ he? How dare he use Hoseok like that? How dare he betray Hoseok's trust like that? 

("Jungkook," Hoseok hovers above him, their noses brushing. "Are you okay?"

Jungkook brings his stare away from his lips and looks up at him through his lashes. He's dizzy, and it subsides as Hoseok shifts inside of him. He nods.

"I don't want to hurt you." Hoseok bites his lip.

Jungkook shakes his head. "You're not." He breathes.

"I mean, I don't want to ruin your relationship with Tae." He leans his head back, caution flashing through his eyes, and Jungkook slides his arms over his shoulders and pulls him down so that his lips brush Hoseok's ear.

"It's already ruined." He says, then drops his voice down to a murmur. "So just ruin me.")

He's shaking at the uninvited memory, and he realizes to late that he's kicked his nightstand over.

He doesn't know how he doesn't get noise complaints when he throws the items on his dresser off the surface. Pulling his drawers out and throwing them across the room, his sight turns red and everything is urgent and angering, fingers tearing at anything he can get his hands on and arms throwing and hitting and flailing until he hears the sound of glass breaking.

His blood runs cold as he freezes in his place, stopped in front of his deboned dresser. A frame lays face down on the floor below his feet. Hands shaking, he bends to pick it up, slow.

Namjoon's smile matches his, reaching up to his eyes, their 13- and 16-year-old selves smiling back up at him through a cracked frame. Birthday hats rest on their heads, tied on by flimsy string and tucked neatly under their chins. Cake is smeared on Jungkook's face in a handprint that suspiciously matches Namjoon's palm, large even as a teenager and stained blue. He remembers laughing at Namjoon's neat and tidy Seoulite accent. Seokjin's thumb covers the corner of the picture.

Carefully, Jungkook places the photo back on the dresser. One of his most precious memories, fractured. Suddenly, he feels dirty.

Jungkook stands straight, surveying the damage he's done. He reaches for someone, some _thing_ to blame, but only finds himself.

Tears hit him full force for the first time in weeks and he plunges into his bed, curling up in the sheets and letting the anguish wash over him like waves on sand. He rarely climbs out of bed after.

 

 

His fifth mistake was Namjoon. His first success was also Namjoon.

Sleep doesn't come easy. It never did after he lost Taehyung, even after leaving for days on end with no rest. The days bleed into each other and the only movement he makes is to toss and turn, lost in his mind.

His phone is dead. It's been dead for a while, maybe two days, maybe a week. He's glad it is, anyway. He couldn't bring himself to change the lockscreen. He doesn't want to read the texts he has from other people and the lack of texts from Taehyung.

(They're sitting on the curb in front of the dance studio, long abandoned by Hoseok and Jimin. Taehyung shivers next to him, rubbing his arms inside of his jacket as he stares at the sky.

Jungkook frowns and starts to take his jacket off, but Taehyung's hand stops him. Head tilted in question, he slides his jacket back on his shoulders.

"I'm fine. It's not actually that cold." Taehyung's eyes have lost their usual luster, and his gaze drops to the stony asphalt street.

Sticking his bottom lip out, Jungkook leans forward. "Are you okay?"

"I guess." He shrugs and rubs his nose. "It's the fourth anniversary of my grandfather's death."

Jungkook folds his hands together in his lap. "Oh."

"Yeah." Taehyung turns his head to the side, rubbing his thighs. Jungkook's voice is stuck in his throat.

He stares at the back of Taehyung's head, itching to say something, but his mind keeps drawing blanks. When Taehyung turns to face forward again, his eyes are wet.

"I-I'm sorry." Jungkook grimaces at the stutter. "That must suck."

Taehyung laughs, wiping his face. "Yeah, just a bit." He offers a smile. "It's okay, though. He said to not be too sad, y'know? He's in a better place."

Jungkook wets his lips, crushing his fingers with his other hand, hidden his lap. "Y-yeah." He gives a shaky smile back, but it quickly dissipates and he looks away.

Taehyung reaches out to rub his arm. Before he touches him, though, Jungkook's head snaps up toward him. "Did he suffer?"

"Excuse me?" Taehyung flinches at the sudden movement.

"Like, did he have dementia, or Alzheimer's, or cancer? Or did he just... Pass?"

He blinks, processing the question, and then his gaze softens. "No," He answers. "No prolonged suffering. It was just his time to go."

"Oh," Jungkook nods. "If it means anything, that's probably the best way to go."

Taehyung hums. Silence drapes it's quiet blanket over the two, and they watch a cat slink from a trashcan into the alleyway across the street.

"My grandma is suffering." Jungkook blurts. Taehyung stares at him, eyes wide. He can barely contain his embarrassment. He didn't mean to let his own family issues slip.

Instead of moving further, Taehyung scoots closer, pressing his arm to Jungkook's in a show of comfort. "I'm sorry." He murmurs, linking his arm through Jungkook's like he always does when he gets upset. "Can she recover?"

Shaking his head, Jungkook bites his lip. "No." He feels Taehyung's fingers interlocking with his own. "She's- She can't remember who I am."

Taehyung nods, rubbing his thumb in circles on the back of Jungkook's hand.

"I'm sorry, I can't talk about this. We were talking about you." Jungkook exhales shakily, squeezing his eyes shut.

"It's fine. I don't mind." Taehyung is nothing less than a relieving presence, giving his hand a light squeeze. "It's off your chest now, yeah?")

The storm rages on. Seoul has been experiencing rain on and off since he'd last seen Taehyung. The only time the clouds part is in the night. Its fitting, really.

Hunger gnaws at his stomach, begging for substance, something more than a few stale crackers, but he ignores it in turn for reaching for his laptop. It still has battery left, to Jungkook's surprise, and he tries his best to ignore the selfie Taehyung took to set as his wallpaper.

He opens his browser and reaches to type, but halts when he realizes he has no idea what he wants to search. Sucking on his lip, he stares at the blinking cursor.

Something makes a sharp noise. He doesn't fully notice, too enticed in the serene blankness of the new tab page, but he thinks he hears his name.

His eye twitches and he snaps out of his trance. Another few knocks on the door.

"Jungkook!"

_Taehyung?_

Jungkook's heart jumps into his throat, and a surge of energy rushes through his system. Sheets tangle around his foot as he tries to jump out of his bed, and with his arms wrapped in a blanket, he's sent crashing to the ground. He doesn't care to register the pain that resonates through his aching bones and stumbles, lightheaded, to the door.

 _"Jungkook_ -.. Oh Christ, what is that smell-" Namjoon's eyes land on Jungkook's dark figure. "Oh."

It's not Taehyung. Fatigue hits him like a truck once again and he wilts like a dead flower.

"Don't look so happy to see me." A small joke from Namjoon flies over his head. He probably thinks he's hungover. Jungkook stares, wrapped in a blanket and leering around the barely cracked door. Namjoon scrutinizes his face, squinting to make him out in the darkness of the room. Unease washes over his expression. 

He makes a move to push the door open further, but pulls his hand back when Jungkook's grip tightens on the door. "What happened to you? Did Jaehwa dump you?"

"No." He's surprised at the grit and hoarseness of his own voice. He's actually surprised his voice works. A grimace works its way onto his face against his will.

Namjoon shoves his hands in his pockets, shifting his weight between his feet. Jungkook's rigid stance mellows, and he pulls back enough to allow Namjoon into his apartment.

"When did you last take a shower?" Namjoon asks, voice lowered as he closes the door behind him. Jungkook only supplies him with a weak shrug and turns around to shuffle toward his bed.

A sharp intake of breath comes from behind him, and he glances back to see Namjoon's shocked expression as he takes in the disastrous state of Jungkook's apartment.

"Jungkook," Namjoon exhales, voice thick. "What's wrong? I've never seen you like this before." A comforting hand comes to rest on his shoulder. It feels warm, and images of Hoseok from the previous night flash through his mind.

Jolting, he slaps Namjoon's hand off of his shoulder. "You wouldn't fucking know, would you?" He snarls. "Just leave me alone." A wave of dizziness passes over him, and he storms off to his bed.

He immediately feels the guilt burn his cheeks and he chances a quick peek at Namjoon, shock plastered on his face, and he turns his gaze elsewhere as the remnants of exasperation dissipate. He wants Namjoon to leave.

(He really doesn't want Namjoon to leave.)

Rustling of clothes can be heard, and Jungkook turns his head to see Namjoon bending down to gather a few of his things from the ground. He places them on the dresser where they originally were, then picks up one of the overturned drawers and inserts it back into the frame of the furniture. Jungkook's eyes sting with the ever-present threat of tears.

He watches Namjoon slowly work around the room, cleaning up broken glass or righting capsized pieces of furniture. His face is expressionless but focused as he places himself next to Jungkook with a certain kind of careful tenderness.

Eyes don't meet and words aren't exchanged. They take in each other's presence. Namjoon appears to be deep in thought.

Jungkook pulls his blanket tighter around himself. He sees Namjoon's lips press together in the corner of his eye, the way they always do when he's stressed, and catches himself mirroring him.

"Please." The word startles Jungkook. "Just talk to me." Namjoon sounds as if he's on the cusp of begging.

Jungkook only draws into himself further. "I'm sorry for lashing out again. But you wouldn't understand. Just leave me alone."

Namjoon snorts, and Jungkook's head snaps to meet Namjoon's incredulous stare. "'I wouldn't understand'? I've experienced everything you're going through right now."

Jungkook shakes his head, running his fingers through his hair. (When did it get this greasy and shaggy?) "You don't know what my world is like."

His words are met with a threatening lull. Jungkook doesn't realize he's pulling at his hair until he feels Namjoon's fingers wrapping around his wrist, cautious.

"You'll feel better if you shower." He murmurs, combing his fingers through Jungkook's unruly locks. His eyes close when Namjoon scratches his scalp the way he used to when he'd freak out. The action relaxes Jungkook's shoulders, and he gives in, nodding.

He leaves the blanket behind him as he stumbles to the bathroom and locks the door. The fan whirs to life as he flicks the light switch, and he discards his clothes as he turns on the shower.

Water runs down his back, leaving frigid trails down his back. It jolts him awake, chases the fatigue from his limbs, but the weight on his chest still sits, heavy. Jungkook stands in the shower, staring at the tile on the wall for ages until the skin on his back screams for him to realize the water is burning his skin.

Gritting his teeth, he leans back and shampoos his hair and washes his body with soap until he's weary of how raw and scarlet red his skin is. He turns the heat down and drops, sitting in the corner of the shower. Fingers tangle around each other and he wonders exactly how long he's been in the shower for. The wounds on his arms sting at the sensation of being rubbed while healing, and he thinks of Namjoon in the other room.

Eventually, he finds the willpower to turn the water off and pull himself from the tile, wiping the remaining wetness from his skin with a towel. He stands in front of the fogged mirror and pulls his toothbrush from the cabiet hidden behind the reflective glass. When he spits, he wipes the mirror to check if he has any leftover toothpaste foam around his lips.

He's met with someone he's never seen before, but is oddly familiar. His eyes are bloodshot and sunken in. He's paler than he remembered him to be, but his skin was blotchy and red from intense heat. The bags under his eyes look less like shadows and more like bruises, and his cheeks are hollowed. Jungkook rips his gaze from his reflection and focuses more on getting dressed.

Namjoon was right. He felt less disgusting after showering and brushing his teeth. The bathroom door opens silently and the deep timbre of Namjoon's voice floats into the hallway from the main room.

"Yeah, his apartment is a fucking mess. Like it's a goddamn disaster in here. He looks like he hasn't eaten anything more than- What the hell are these, stale crackers? He has major eye bags, he's lashing out at me..." He sighs, and Jungkok peeks around the doorframe to see Namjoon's back and his hand brought up to pinch what is probably the bridge of his nose. "I'm just worried, hyung." Jungkook swallows, gripping the frame of the door. He knows it's rude to eavesdrop, but he can't help himself. "Mhm, he won't tell me what's wrong. Hoseok was helping me look for him because he wasn't in his apartment for like, three weeks. I couldn't find him anywhere." He makes a clicking noise with his teeth. "I knew I should've pushed harder for him to be my roommate on campus."

Namjoon pauses again, the sound of someone talking incredibly fast through the phone's speaker barely making it to Jungkook's ears. Namjoon taps his foot anxiously and adjusts his glasses. "I'm just scared. I don't want to lose him, and I know you don't want to either. I don't want to come home and see him bleeding out from his wrists because I couldn't help him, hyung. I don't want him hurt."

The person on the other line is silent, but talks again, slower, and Namjoon seems soothed. "I know. Don't worry, I won't give up. She needs you there right now." Another pause. "I don't remember him being super in love with Jaehwa. He told me it was like a 'friends with benefits' type thing? They weren't official." More chatter on the other line.

Namjoon tilts his head. "How the hell do you know who Taehyung is?"

It was one thing to  _think_ Taehyung's name. But to hear the consonants strung and woven with the vowels in a line and spoken aloud was another. It seizes Jungkook's spine and his eyes water dangerously and the only thing he can do is grip the doorframe and pull back. He tries to take a quiet breath in, but a small hiccup cuts in instead.

A hand slaps over his mouth, but it's too late. Namjoon heard it and he pivots to see Jungkook peeking around the doorway, his hand covering his mouth and tears streaming down his face. "Hyung? I'll call you back." His phone clatters to the floor.

Jungkook hasn't even fucking  _breathed_ , yet Namjoon is with him before he can blink. Even though it's been years since the height difference was extremely noticeable between the two, he still manages to feel completely enveloped by Namjoon's rare hugs.

"It's okay, Guk. Let it out."

He inhales, trembling, holds his breath, and immediately sobs into the joint of Namjoon's neck and shoulder. Arms come around Namjoon's middle and Jungkook squeezes the everloving hell out of Namjoon as his body is wracked with sobs. Namjoon doesn't complain once, only rocking them gently back and forth and petting his wet hair.

"It'll be alright." Namjoon whispers, and Jungkook cries harder when he hears the shake in Namjoon's tone. "You'll get through this."

His breath eventually evens out, and he pulls his face from Namjoon's now damp shoulder, grimacing at the obvious wet spot. "Your shirt." 

"No worries." The elder shrugs. His eyes are red and he conceals a sniffle. "Feel better?"

"I guess." Jungkook mumbles. He wipes some of the wetness from under his eyes and tries a shaky smile.

Namjoon smiles back, pushing Jungkook's bangs out of his face before walking to retrieve his hastily discarded phone. "Want anything to eat?"

"Yeah, I'm a little starved." Jungkook sniffs, heading back to sit on his bed. Namjoon orders from a nearby restaurant and sticks his phone back in his pocket.

"Who," Jungkook attempts, then clears his throat when his voice comes out hoarse. "Who were you talking to?"

Namjoon opens the fridge and pulls two water bottles from the nearly empty box. "Seokjin-hyung."

Oh.

"What did he say?" Jungkook asks, keeping his voice steady. He takes the bottle Namjoon offers him.

"Uh, he said something about Taehyung. He heard about him through my friend Hoseok, who heard about it through someone else."

Jimin.

_Ji-fucking-min._

"Oh." Jungkook takes a sip. "Hoseok, as in Jung Hoseok?"

"Yeah, you know him?" Namjoon raises an eyebrow.

"He's, uh, one of my friends."

"He offered to help me look for you when you were MIA." Namjoon squints. "I didn't know you two were friends."

"I didn't know you two were friends, either." Jungkook tilts his head back. "Is hyung coming to visit?"

Namjoon fixes him with a solemn gaze. "I hear that tone, Jungkook. You know he still worries about you."

"Sometimes, I think he doesn't."

"He's taking care of your grandmother. Have you gone to see her?" Namjoon runs his thumbnail along the ridges of the bottlecap.

Jungkook gnaws on his lip. "Not since Christmas. I know I should. I feel like I'll get jealous."

Namjoon's eyebrows lift in a curious gesture. "Why?"

"She remembers Seokjin more than she remembers me. She always calls me by my uncle's name or my dad's name." Jungkook clenches his fist. "I spent the most time with her. Seokjin hasn't spent nearly as much time with her as I did, but she remembers him better."

"That isn't a reason to be mad with him. It's completely out of his control. He's your brother. He took a gap year so you could get a better education and not have to worry about taking care of your grandmother so much." Namjoon soothes, patting Jungkook's thigh. "He told me he was coming up to see you soon. He's worried."

Jungkook sighs. "I know." He relaxes his fist. "I shouldn't be so hard on him." A reassuring gust of wind blows in from the open window, bringing in a certain sense of serenity to Jungkook's troubled mind, and he belatedly realizes Namjoon pulled up the blinds and opened a window. The doorbell rings.

Namjoon stands and makes his way toward the door, opening it and greeting the delivery worker. He nods and takes the food, the savory smell wafting through the apartment. 

"Eat up," Namjoon chirps, setting the plastic bag on the counter in the tiny kitchenette. "After this, we're getting your hair cut."

Jungkook smiles, making his way toward the counter and taking the plate Namjoon offers him, thinking he's off the hook from having to talk about his problems.

Namjoon isn't so quick to bend to his every whim though.

"So," He starts, mouth full of food as he sits across from Jungkook at his recently righted table. "Is Taehyung...?"

Jungkoko sets his chopsticks down. "Is Taehyung what?"

"Is he, like, y'know," Namjoon makes a few rough movements with his hands. "Like, do you guys kiss or something?"

Eyebrows raised, Jungkook sticks his tongue into his cheek. "Uh, what?"

"I don't want to make any assumptions." Namjoon is being oddly vague, making more wild gestures with his hands to fill the empty space. "You're very touchy about your sexuality-"

"What the hell does my sexuality have to do with having some fuckin' lo mein?" Jungkook sputters, shaking his head. Brain bleach.

"Were you Taehyung's boyfriend or not?" He stabs his chopsticks into the noodles with finality.

Jungkook crosses his arms. "No." He says, loud and clear. He wilts a bit. "I wish." He adds, quieter.

Namjoon stares into the noodles as if they held the key to the universe's car. They've never explicitly talked about sexuality before; Namjoon's always assumed Jungkook was straight and Jungkook always assumed Namjoon was too.

"Sorry." Namjoon mumbles, shoveling noodles into his mouth. Jungkook shrugs and picks at his food.

They eat in silence for a few minutes before Namjoon opens his mouth again. "Y'know, I've had my fair share of boyfriends before, in the States. They were in the closet, too. I know it's hard, but it's different here than there so I get why he'd want to hide-"

"I was the one hiding." Jungkook won't meet Namjoon's eyes. (He can't meet Namjoon's eyes.)

"Oh." There's a noodle hanging from the side of his chopstick. "Did..."

Jungkook cocks his head, waiting for the question.

Namjoon clears his throat, shifting in his seat. Is he gonna ask if they had sex? "Did you, uh, love him?"

Oh.

"What?" Jungkook blinks harshly, trying to get his spit down the right tube without choking.

"Did you love him?"

"I," Jungkook looks to the side, out the window. "Yeah. I loved him. I really loved him." He finally meets Namjoon's eyes. He doesn't see any disdain or maliciousness.

"You loved Taehyung?" Namjoon sounds like he's in awe.

Taehyung's name doesn't hurt anymore. Instead, it brings memories of the way the outer corners of his eyes wrinkle when he laughs or smiles, the way he would talk on and on with intense passion about history, antiquity, and the passion and unity of culture within a community of people. He made Jungkook feel special, like the light from the stars travelled millions of light-years through space just to touch his eyes, like he didn't need to worry about being someone he wasn't around Taehyung.

The corners of his mouth draw up into an easy smile. "I still love him. I love him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a real, live pic of me after writing this  
> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/157823916@N07/36470634082/in/dateposted-public/)  
> awaiting ur angry/emotional/happy(?) responses  
> 


	8. Chapter 8

Getting back to class after a miniature, minor,  _tiny_ mental breakdown is difficult. like the smallest, tiniest,  _most miniscule_ mental breakdown. Real difficult stuff, trying to function like a proper human being. Jungkook wouldn't know, but he's been going through the motions. He tries to smile, but it always comes out as more of a grimace as he makes yet another copy of someone's notes. The wrinkles in Mrs. Gong's forehead are getting deeper, which he thought was impossible, as his ears begin to burn.

Awkwardly half-jogging to his bag, he haphazardly shoves the papers into a folder and zips the bag up. Mrs. Gong pushes her glasses up, gives him a once-over, and then directs her gaze to the heavy cart of books, ready to be returned. His knuckles turn white with the force of his grip as he dips his head to the older woman, cheeks burning as he struggles to push the cart to the non-fiction section.

As he gets into the familiar rhythm of stacking and organizing books, the embarrassment that scratches at his neck fades and he allows his body to go on autopilot as his mind wanders.

_Namjoon tilts his head, licking his lips. "Why does this always happen?"_

_"What?" Jungkook responds after recovering from half-choking on a noodle._

_"This. I mean," He rests his chin on his palm, eyes analyzing the wooden texture of the table. "We always have the deepest conversations while we eat food."_

_Jungkook tilts his head thoughtfully, then rubs at a tired, cried-out eye. " I guess we're just really emotionally driven by food."_

_"Or maybe when the conversation gets awkward, we can just shove food in our mouths while struggling to come up with something else to say."_

_Jungkook snorts, then points at Namjoon. "True."_

_Letting out a huff of laughter, Namjoon picks up his chopsticks. He stirs the remnants of his meal around in its bowl, picking up a small piece of chicken and examining it._

_Jungkook holds in a breath, then leans back in his chair, letting it out through his nose before opening his mouth. "What is it?"_

_"What is what?"_

_"You're doing that_ thing,"  _Jungkook waves his hand. "Where you kind of skulk and get lost in thought because you have something to say."_

_Namjoon purses his lips, tapping his finger on the edge of his bowl. "I don't know what to do."_

_Jungkook raises his eyebrows, waits._

_"You're struggling." He sniffs, nose twitching and leg bouncing under the table. "And I don't know what to do. How to help you. I know you don't want me to worry about it but God, I just can't help it sometimes. Your.."_

_Slowly retracting his hands from the top of the table to his lap, Jungkook begins to fiddle with his fingers, keeping his lips pressed together and absentmindedly tugging at his sleeves._ _Namjoon's eyes follow his movement and he quickly inhales and opens his mouth to speak, but the words stick in his throat. He averts his gaze._

_"That picture." Namjoon says. Jungkook doesn't need to guess what he's staring at. "I still feel like we're that young."_

_"13 and 16." Jungkook states._

_"Yeah." His eyes shift back to Jungkook's face. "The eyes bother me."_

_Jungkook's eyebrow raises, slighted._

_"Just, compared to the picture. You had laugh lines around your mouth and eyes. Happy, y'know?"_

_"And now..?"_

_Namjoon folds his hands together. "You're still the same. All grown up, yeah, but still the same." He sets his chopsticks down, lining them up so that they're parallel to each other. "But your eyes are different."_

_Jungkook blinks, tilting his head._

_"I can't get used to it."_

 

The gloss on the plasticky sheen of the black hardbound book has Jungkook staring into his own eyes again. Namjoon's words haunt his mind and he can't look in the mirror without giving himself a stare-down. Sighing and still finding no answers, he shelves the book and turns back to shove the cart down another aisle.

Honey blond makes its way into his view, about 12.4 meters away (Jungkook calculated it exactly). He's staring into a battered old book about the Russian Revolution and his skin is glowing and healthy and his hair is a little messy and his clothes are a little wrinkled but he's still one of the most gorgeous sights Jungkook has ever seen.

It's him.

His hands are shaking as they grip onto the cart handle, trying to steady themselves and Jungkook feels the back of his neck begin to dampen. He wants to hear his voice again.

Grabbing a book, Jungkook combs his fingers through his hair a few times then nonchalantly shuffles next to Taehyung to put a book on the USSR away. Jungkook's elbow accidentally (ha) grazes his bicep.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Jungkook murmurs.

"Sorry-" Taehyung's head turns, expression politely concerned until his eyes meet Jungkook's. 

Jungkook retracts his hand from the shelf, shoving both hands into his back pockets. "I, uh, see you've changed your hair."

"Yeah." Taehyung breathes, touching his hair, dazed look still on his face. He seems to come back to himself and offers a curt nod before turning to leave. Jungkook's chest tightens and before he can stop himself, he catches Taehyung's wrist loosely.

The blonde tenses, then turns, antsy. 

"Can we please talk?" Jungkook whispers.

Biting his lip, Taehyung hesitates before nodding.

 

The bench is hard on his ass, but he honestly doesn't really care about that right now because Taehyung _(_ _Taehyung!)_ is sitting next to him and this is what he's been wanting for weeks.

"I don't know how to begin." Jungkook doesn't mean for the words to come out as soft as they did, but Taehyung leans in to catch his words and Jungkook figures it's a blessing. His fingers start to toy with each other, nervous from the attention, and Taehyung's eyes follow, spurring them on.

"I'm sorry for leading you on." He says. Taehyung, startled, blinks as his gaze snaps to meet his. "I wasn't trying to make you feel like I was. I'm really sorry if I hurt your feelings."

Taehyung nods, face calm but his hands ball up into fists in his lap.

"But I really-" Jungkook takes a deep breath, preventing himself from choking on his words. "I want to make us work." He has to restrain himself from trying to take Taehyung's hands into his. "I know this is probably unwanted and you've heard this a million times, but I just- I have this feeling that we can work. I know if we both try, we could be something beautiful."

"I'm sorry too." Taehyung blurts suddenly, causing a few kids who were sitting further away to look over; he winces and lowers his voice. "I didn't think you would be so- so heartbroken?" His voice goes up in pitch, as if he's confused. "I didn't believe you when you felt the same way."

Didn't think-

Same way.

_Same way?!_

Jungkook's heart soars.

"I've been so scared of being hurt again, so paranoid that I would be hurt again," He finally turns fully toward Jungkook and grabs his hand, looking him in the eyes. "That I didn't see I was hurting someone else."

He turns Jungkook's hand over, tracing the lines in his palm. "Everyone was mad at me again, but this time it really was all my fault. Even Jimin wouldn't talk to me for a few days.

"I was stubborn, too. I didn't believe it. But then I really thought, who would actually sit there and listen to me talk about the Industrial Revolution for three and a half hours over FaceTime during midterms?" He laughs to himself, shaking his head. "Then I really started to think about it. I realized I needed to give you a chance, give myself to you, even if I am scared you'll hurt me. You did that for me without even thinking twice."

His fingers interlock with Jungkook's and Taehyung's face is becoming blurred. "I didn't want to get hurt, but in the end all I did was hurt you, and I'm sorry."

Jungkook is crying, again. "It's okay-"

"And  _do not_ say it's okay because frankly, it's not." Taehyung smiles at him, wiping his tears.

He hiccups, snorting. "Okay. Fine. I forgive you, then."

Taehyung smiles, breaking their gaze to hide his relieved grin, shy. He squeezes his hand. "So," He slides off the bench and before Jungkook can process it, he's on his knees. "Will you go on a date with me?"

Jungkook stares down at him, startled. A smile splits his face, and a giddy laugh bubbles in his chest. "Sure, I guess." He rolls his eyes with mock-annoyance. "Community service hours or whatever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me coming back right after finals, back on my old shit  
> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/157823916@N07/26738312179/in/dateposted-public/)  
> follow my tumblr for some nice aesthetics you wont regret! (probably) [link!](https://94xl.tumblr.com)  
> (ps! next chapter is like four times as long as this one)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for direct mention of self harm, dementia (this comes from my own personal experience with my grandfather's dementia and extensive research on the topic. i apologize in advance if i have depicted it disrespectfully) 
> 
> (a/n: sorry for the repost! something messed up with ao3 and when i posted the chapter, it only posted half of the chapter. its fixed now so everything should be ok!!! thank you for being patient lol.. enjoy!)

Surrounded by fluffy white sheets, Jungkook wakes up to the dawn's rays of sunlight shining in his eyes, heating his face. Groaning, he pulls a hand over his face, trying to rub the sleep from his eyes as he struggles to turn over. He nuzzles his face deeper into the comforter, lavender wafting into his nostrils and making him sleepy again. He sticks his leg out to search for Taehyung's heat and lifts his head up when he can't find it.

Cracking an eye open, he discovers that the space next to him is empty. He almost faceplants into his pillow as he ruffles his hair, fingers becoming tangled in his hair, and he has to yank his hand free. He frowns and reaches for his phone.

_No new messages._

Huh.

Jungkook sets his phone down, fidgeting in the sheets again. The window's intense hue of blue draws his gaze again, and he stares down at the campus below. Fourth year dorms are so _nice._ He remembers Taehyung rambling off about how he requested a single dorm and he lucked out, snagging one of the nicer dorms on campus.

(He also remembers how Taehyung nudged him, raised his eyebrows, and said, in the most greasy, pseudo-sultry voice he could muster, _They're even soundproofed._ Disgusting.)

Finals were coming soon, as evidenced from the heavy foot traffic coming to and from the library's doors He really _should_ be studying, but Taehyung insisted they have at least one day off to spend together before _'the finals train leaves the station'_.

Jungkook's nose twitches in anticipation as he hears something metal clatter to the floor in the kitchen, a quiet but firm _shit_ following in suit. A grin blooms across his face and excitement flutters through his body and out his fingertips, bunching up the fabric of the sheets. As quietly as possible, Jungkook reaches over the edge of the bed and picks up Taehyung's laptop from the floor, disconnecting the charger and placing it gently on his lap. _Breakfast in bed, bitch!_

As he waits for an episode of _Desperate Housewives_ to load, he nestles further into the sheets, sticking his nose into the long-sleeved shirt he borrowed from Taehyung. He inhales, and the sweet scent of Taehyung and hints of his cologne lingers in his nose for a second before it's driven away by his deodorant. A bowl drops in the kitchen. Taehyung lets out a guttural scream with his mouth shut.

He lived, though, because a few moments later, Taehyung enters the room with two bowls of instant oatmeal in his hands.

Jungkook gasps. "Oh my God, I love a man who cooks." He swoons, clasping his hands together as he gazes up in awe at his boyfriend.

_(boyfriend!!!!!!)_

Taehyung shrugs, posing with the bowls as he leans back against the doorframe. "Only the best for my country bumpkin."

Jungkook snorts. "Taehyung, _you_ are the country bumpkin."

"In this city, we're _both_ country bumpkins." Taehyung sits on the edge of the bed, pushing his laptop off of Jungkook's lap and replacing it with his bowl. "Now eat your oats."

Jungkook stares down into the bowl and sucks in his lips, hiding a smile.

Taehyung stops eating, setting his spoon down. "What?"

"...Does it have brown sugar in it?" His voice is quiet as he stares up at Taehyung with wide eyes.

The puppy dog eyes no longer have the staggering, world-quaking effect as they used to have on Taehyung and the elder simply shoves another spoonful of oatmeal into his mouth and replies, mouth full, "Yes."

Jungkook sniffs, staring into it again, crossing his arms and hiding his hands in the crook of his arm. He slants his head and gazes through his eyelashes at Taehyung.

Taehyung stops mid-chew and sighs, and Jungkook cheers internally as he sees Taehyung soften. He grabs his bowl and shakes his head. "You are spoiled. So, so spoiled. Spoiled rotten." Taehyung takes his bowl back to the kitchen, leaving Jungkook giggling and clapping behind him.

He returns with a darker brown version of his oatmeal, plus the bag of brown sugar in case three heaping tablespoons of brown sugar wasn't enough for his legendary sweet tooth. Breakfast goes smoothly after that and soon Jungkook finds himself wrapped up in sheets and Taehyung again, stomach full and feeling comfortable. The end of May is approaching quickly, bringing heat along with June, but Jungkook decides he'd rather fry in Taehyung's bed and wrapped around it's owner than anything else. (Unless anything else was getting a smoothie with said owner.)

The mornings are still cool, though, as a chill runs down Jungkook's spine. Taehyung hugs him closer, resting his head on Jungkook's shoulder as another episode of _Housewives_ comes to a close. Netflix begins the countdown to the next episode. They barely get to 15 seconds before Taehyung's warm hands start to wander up the front of his shirt.

"Wearing my shirt again?" His voice is right in his ear, mirthful but soft.

"Only because you wore mine." Jungkook whispers back. He slides his hand over Taehyung's, splayed on the center of his torso, and he can barely hear any of the characters talking on screen anymore.

Taehyung huffs. "Fuck, your hands are freezing." He grumbles as he rests his forehead against Jungkook's.

"Sorry."

"How? They're always buried in your sleeves."

Jungkook shrugs, pushing the side of his nose against Taehyung's. "I'm naturally freezing." He captures Taehyung's lips with his own, allowing his hands to drift to Taehyung's lower back.

"Or just anemic," Taehyung grunts into the kiss.

Jungkook pulls his head back. "Because all I eat is ramen and the Oreos in your cabinet."

"I feed you!" Taehyung argues. "I give you oatmeal."

"Yeah, but you don't put raisins in it." He scrunches his nose. "Raisins are vital to oatmeal."

Taehyung looks unamused. "Because raisins don't belong in oatmeal. We've already fought about this before." He shuts the laptop lid, pushing it off of Jungkook's lap before replacing it with himself. "How about we stop talking about raisins and start talking about us?"

"That was probably the lamest thing you've ever said to me." Jungkook laughs, securing his hands in the collar of Taehyung's shirt. "I don't think I've ever been more in love in my life."

Taehyung beams, creases forming on the outer edges of his eyes as he leans over Jungkook. The younger tugs him back down to his lips, then gasps as Taehyung grabs his waist and lifts him far enough up the bed so that his back presses against the headboard of his bed. Jungkook hums, moving his hand from where it gripped the collar of his shirt to the back of his neck, toying with the strands of hair on his neck while he deepened the kiss.

Taehyung detaches his lips to kiss at Jungkook's neck, nipping at the soft, tan skin beneath his lips. He sucks a hickey at the base of his neck, in which Jungkook groans in slight disapproval at the location and pulls him back to his lips.

Taehyung licks into his mouth at the same time he presses a hand into his crotch, eliciting a surprised squeak from Jungkook's mouth. Taehyung pulls away immediately, scanning Jungkook's face for any hesitance, but Jungkook breaks into laughter.

"Sorry, you caught me off guard." Jungkook says, stifling his laughter and kissing the corners of Taehyung's mouth.

"S'all good, just checking. Kinda realized I jumped from messing around to something more serious real quick." Taehyung grins, mirroring Jungkook and giving kisses to the corners of Jungkook's mouth, drawing out another chuckle from Jungkook before the younger pushes Taehyung onto his back.

Lips on Taehyung's, Jungkook runs his hands over the valleys and dips of Taehyung's torso, prompting the older to pull his shirt off. With Jungkook's thighs squeezing his hips, Taehyung starts to pull Jungkook's shirt off. Panic kickstarts his brain and he grips Taehyung's wrists before he gets to the top of his chest.

Taehyung stops, bewildered and pupils blown wide in a cocktail of lust and confusion, but he doesn't say anything. Disappointment flickers through his eyes for half a second, but it's gone as quickly as it came.

"Wow," He smiles. "You really like clothed sex, huh?"

Jungkook smiles back, trying to quiet the trembling in his shaking hands as he releases Taehyung's wrists. "Guess you could say that."

"Want my shirt back on?"

"Off," He answers instantaneously, feeling his mouth salivate and Taehyung can only let out a chortle as he banishes the thin cotton shirt to the floor. Letting his hands come to rest on Jungkook's thighs, he avoids his gaze, suddenly shy as Jungkook presses a flat palm to Taehyung's abdomen.

"Jungkook, I want-"

A strong buzzing comes from the night stand beside them. Taehyung falters, staring at his phone.

Jungkook doesn't even spare a glance toward his phone. "Just ignore it." He murmurs, leaning down to whisper in his ear and resting his fingers on Taehyung's waist. "Tell me what you want and I'll give it to you."

Taehyung's breath is shuddering against his cheek, laced with a breathless moan as Jungkook pushes his thigh into Taehyung's crotch. "I want to see you naked." He sighs. "I don't know why you're hiding, but-"

His phone vibrates yet again and Taehyung hesitates. Jungkook groans, finally pushing himself up into a sitting position and snatching his phone off of the counter.

He picks up without sparing notice to the caller ID.

"Hi, I'm sort of busy at the moment, so please be quick." He huffs, trying to sound polite. Taehyung's hair tickles his neck as the blond moves into his lap.

"Jungkook?"

Shit.

_Shit._

_Shhhhhiiiiiitttt._

He's been avoiding his calls since Namjoon had found him all those weeks ago. Why didn't he check the caller ID?!

"Hi, hyung." He suddenly takes on a sheepish tone and Taehyung lifts his head from his shoulder, questioning.

He hears an impatient intake of breath and Jungkook braces himself. "Have you been avoiding my calls? What are you doing that's so important that you can't even spare five minutes of your time to call your hyung?"

Taehyung tilts his head, mouthing _'who is it?'_

"No, hyung, not at all! It's been very... very busy here! Finals n'all." Jungkook says, his dialect kicking back in. He makes a zip-it motion at Taehyung. Taehyung scoffs, rolling his eyes, and returns his head back to his shoulder again, toying with the hem of his shirt.

"What was that noise? Are you with someone?"

"No, it was just, uh, the fridge door closing." He winces, sending a silent plea to Taehyung the fridge door as he gives him the most offended stare he has ever seen.

"Okay. I think you're lying, but okay." He can hear the eye roll in his older brother's voice. "Everything is fine here, I guess."

"You guess?"

A slight intake of breath is heard through the speaker and there is a pause before he speaks again. "I really think you need to visit. I can't make it up there."

"What? I thought you were coming to visit. Why not?"

"Grandma is getting really bad again." Another sigh. "Y'know how she always complained that there were ghosts in the attic?"

Jungkook chews on the inside of his cheek. "Yeah, why?"

"Well, not she's saying it's a little boy who comes in and steals her money or her food."

"Okay, well, is her money being stolen?" It feels like a trick question.

"She hasn't had any money of her own since she was diagnosed, Guk, you know this." He lets out a heavy breath through his nose. "I know you're trying to be hopeful, but.. I think you just need to come down here and see her again. I don't-" His breath catches, and he takes a deep breath. "I don't know how much time she has left anymore. It's painful for her and us."

Jungkook bites his lip. He's silent for a moment before he says, softly, "Okay. I'll try to be down soon."

Taehyung lifts his head after a few moments of silence, thinking the coast is clear. "Who was that?"

Suddenly, his brother begins screeching in his ear. _"Jungkook, there_ is _someone with you, you fucking liar!"_ He screams.

"No, Seokjin-hyung, it's a movie!"

Taehyung gasps. "Jungkook, is that your older brother?"

_"Jeon Jungkook, that sounds like a man! What's going on?! I know damn well that ain't Namjoon because that boy doesn't wake up until it's time for dinner! You better be studying for finals and not sleeping around-"_

Jungkook hangs up the phone.

Taehyung pouts. "I wanted to say hi."

"No!"

He snorts and starts to play with Jungkook's hair again, Jungkook eventually relaxing into his touch. "What'd he say?"

"Uh," Jungkook wets his lips. "That I need to go visit my grandmother soon. I don't know if I can, uh, do it. It's really hard to see her like," He swallows thickly. "Like this. It's been years since it happened but I'm still not used to it."

Looking in his eyes, Jungkook can only see questions upon questions swimming in Taehyung's eyes, but he never voices any of them. But Taehyung doesn't ask or poke or prod, only rubs his thumb over Jungkook's cheekbone and cups his cheek, brushing hair away from his eyes and forehead. "I can come with you, if you want. For support."

Jungkook's hand wraps around Taehyung's wrist as he smiles earnestly. "That'd be really great. Thank you."

Taehyung's other hand comes up to cradle Jungkook's face in his palms. "No problem. Anything for my little country bumpkin[ . ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oz5cROtMKcM)" He grins and gives him a peck on the nose. Jungkook groans and swats at him, but avoids his gaze and blushes, bashful. It brings another round of kisses from Taehyung.

  


Jungkook's skull rattles as he leans his head against the train window, watching the scenery hurtle by. A train to Busan, to be exact, but without all the zombies and, y'know, death (hopefully). He lifts his head, sending a brief glance to the sleeping lanky boy that rests his head on his lap. Taehyung had picked him up after his last final, equipped with a tired smile, his Starbucks order, and their bags packed at his feet. He gave Taehyung a hug and the older had somehow managed to pick him up and spin him around with the coffees in his hands.

_'Let's go home, yeah?'_

Another notification lights up Taehyung's phone, which rests on the small space of the seat where Taehyung's legs aren't taking up space. Jungkook glances at his.

**namjoon-oppa :) <3**

**[16:43:02] Jungkook do u want to hang out after im out of my final**

**[16:43:30] Im technically not supposed to be on my phone i am putting my LIFE on the line**

**[17:20:32] Wow. I almost sacrificed my entire grade in that class to text you and I get nothing. I'm hurt.**

**[17:20:40] Just kidding. I know you're busy. Hope you're having a good day :)**

**[18:45:20] Okay, kinda concerned. I usually don't double text (or quadruple/quintuple text in this case), but you're a special case, but where are you :( I thought we were getting dinner and you were gonna take me to that ramen place you like to go to :((**

**[18:48:13] Wait I just checked the snapmap. Are you on KTX????**

Fuck. He had totally forgotten about his dinner plans with Namjoon. Shit.

**[18:53:33] Joon :(**

**[18:53:40] Im sorry i totally forgot i was gonna take you to yoongi hyungs**

**[18:53:50] Can i make it up to you when i get back??**

**[18:54:02] It's okay, Guk. Hoseok just texted to hang out, so don't worry about me getting lonely or anything :) We can go when you come back.**

**[18:54:09] Is everything okay? You didn't tell anyone you were going. Does Taehyung know???**

**[18:54:20] He's on my lap**

**[18:54:30] oh god no wait**

**[18:54:25] ohhh daddy jungkook**

**[18:54:30] begone THOT**

**[18:54:36] :)**

**[18:54:40] But everything is ok? This isn't an emergency trip?**

**[18:54:54] Uhhhhh yes and no. Seokjin asked if i could come down. Said he needed help**

**[18:55:03] Oh:( Okay, don't get too stressed. Remember to have fun and enjoy yourself; you aren't the only one taking care of her anymore. Hoseok jus got here gtg**

**[18:55:08] Okay you too**

**[17:55:17] uh... how is hoseok hyung?**

**[18:55:20] ? Why not just ask him**

**[18:55:22] What do u mean**

**[18:55:29] Just.. yknow. how is he. does he seem okay**

**[18:55:37] Uh, he's been fine recently, afaik. Why?**

**[18:55:40] No reason. i'll see you when i get back**

**[18:55:44] Kk ciao :) Tell hyung I said hi.**

_"'Kk ciao'?"_ Taehyung read, voice low after waking from his slumber. "I think you're right. Namjoon is a gay ambassador."

Jungkook locks his phone, snorting. "He's not simply _a_ gay ambassador. He is _the_ gay ambassador."

"Not that gay." He fumbles for his phone, dropping it on the cabin floor before checking the lock screen. "He's hanging out with Hoseok. I swear, Hoseok's never touched a man before." Taehyung drums his fingers on the side of his phone while reading through some of his emails. Jungkook worries at his lip.

"Yeah, definitely."

Sitting up in his seat, Taehyung adjusts his shirt and fixes his hair. "Y'know, I think Hoseok hasn't found the one yet. He doesn't take interest in girls that often, so you'd think, _'hey, he's bi.'_ But he never talks to any guys either!" Taehyung shrugs. "Maybe he just isn't a romantic person."

Jungkook fidgets with his phone case, feeling sweat start to build up on the back of his neck. "Maybe he's asexual or something. Or maybe he doesn't have time for a relationship right now."

Taehyung purses his lips, then nods. "Yeah, probably." He laughs. "I was actually kind of scared before we started dating because it seemed like Hoseok was totally into you at times."

"Oh." The rock in Jungkook's stomach sinks lower, heavy and icy. "Haha."

"Oh well." Taehyung pats Jungkook's thigh, unlocking his phone again, and Jungkook is eternally grateful that Jimin sent such a long string of messages to Taehyung because he didn't want his boyfriend to see him blotting away his sweat.

**Jimin..............bich**

**[16:45:32] u think if i asked my dentist to remove the teeth in the back of my mouth so i could suck more dick would he do it**

**[16:46:01] n u think if he said no would it be bc hes homophobic and doesn't want me having a good time or he doesnt want to remove my perfectly good permanent teeth i need to chew with**

**[16:46:24] i asked hoseok what he thought and he just gave me this look only a cocksniffer like him would give me and started texting again wtfff :(**

**[17:15:24] YOU MYTHIC CUNT**

**[17:15:28] DID YOU THINK YOU COULD SKIP TOWN AND I WOULDNT FIND OUT**

**[17:15:35] WE HAD A MOVIE DATE PLANNED**

**[17:15:40] I GET YOU LOVEJUNGKOOK BUT YOU DONT HAVE TO ABANDON ME I HAVE NO ONE**

**[17:15:50] HOW DARE YOU:(((((((((**

**[17:16:02] :(**

**[17:16:08] WE COULDVE HAD IT ALLLLLLLLLL ROLLIGN IN THE DEEEEEEEP**

**[17:16:10] Please stop yelling at me :-(**

**[17:16:16] Jungkook is having family issues and I wanted to go with to help out :-( please understand**

**[17:16:24] what :(**

**[17:16:30] i take my messages back i’m sorry for being insensitive god who am i**

**[17:16:35] (but also please tell me if you’re skipping town suddenly)**

**[17:16:40] Yes I know :-(((**

**[17:16:46] He’s okay its just his brother and grandma and I wanna help you know**

**[17:16:54] They’re gonna be my family too one day so I want to help out**

**[17:17:03] ohhh my god okay thats sweet but Taehyung you’ve been dating each other for like 2 months? and you’re already planning on getting married**

**[17:17:07] no judgement i’d get married to a rich boy too dick too bomb**

**[17:17:14] Okay first of all,**

**[17:17:16] It’s been six weeks you insensitive thot**

**[17:17:20] 2. Jungkook isn’t even rich lol!!! he’s broke as fuck**

**[17:17:25] who isnt :( lyk if u cri evrytim**

**[17:17:30] Wish I could clicc that like**

**[17:17:36] Anyways Idk when we’ll come back :) maybe in a week maybe at the end of summer :))**

**[17:17:45] fuck hoekay**

**[17:17:53] be careful on those trains though love you be careful**

**[17:18:02] Okay don’t choke :)**

**[17:18:06] LMAO bitch**

 

"You and Jimin have an.. interesting dynamic?" Jungkook tries, smiling.

Taehyung nods, scoffing and rubbing at his eye. "Yeah, I've been through a lot with him, so it feels like I could really say anything or hear anything from him and we'll just laugh it off."

"Oh, kinda sounds like Namjoon and I."

"Yeah! Except you guys have a sibling dynamic." Taehyung pinches his cheek. "It's so cute."

Jungkook smiles, the icy ball in the pit of his stomach temporarily melted as his cheeks heat up and he looks down at his hands. He hears Taehyung giggle and sees out of the corner of his eye how he looks around the currently empty train car before putting a single finger under Jungkook's chin, lifting his head.

"Chin up, princess. Your tiara is falling."

Jungkook chokes and his head jerks with the force of his snort, bumping his forehead with Taehyung's. "Ow! Fuck!" Taehyung cackles, rubbing his forehead as Jungkook drops his head onto Taehyung's shoulder, quaking with laughter.

"I'm f-fucking sorry," Jungkook gasps, trying to get his breathing under control as he chokes down his laughter.

"It's okay! My head doesn't hurt that badly." Taehyung soothes, still trying to contain his own laughter.

Jungkook sighs in response, calming down and keeping his head on Taehyung's shoulder as he gazes at the green rolling hills tumbling past them. Taehyung kisses the crown of his head, brushing his hair with his fingers.

"So," Taehyung starts, causing Jungkook to raise his eyebrows. "How long is the trip, again?"

"About three hours or so."

"Are we there yet?"

"It's been 40 minutes."

Taehyung cries out softly, burying his nose in Jungkook's hair and fake-weeping. Jungkook shushes him and pats his head. "Sleep. It'll go by faster."

"Okay." Taehyung pouts, rearranging himself so that he could rest his head on Jungkook's shoulder. Jungkook takes to staring out the window again.

He tries to think of other things, like where he might take Taehyung when they get to Busan, or how to introduce his boyfriend to his family, but his mind keeps dragging him back to Hoseok.

_How dare he use Hoseok like that!_ Just use him up and leave him without even saying a word. He pulled him out of that dark pit and Jungkook got up, turned around, and kicked Hoseok back in to replace him. _How dare he do that! How dare he hurt Hoseok the same way he had been hurt before! Didn't he learn his lesson?! How dare he! How dare he! How dare he How dare he How dare he_ **_How dare he-_ **

Taehyung moves his head so that it rests on Jungkook's thighs and reaches for his hand, letting their fingers interlock. Jungkook wills his breaths to even out, for the sake of Taehyung, and pushes stray locks of Taehyung's hair out of his face. His honey blond hair is getting black at his roots. Despite the intense bleach job, his hair still feels healthy and thick as he cards his fingers through his hair, careful enough to not wake him.

He's shaking as he leans down to kiss Taehyung's temple gently, hoping not to wake him. Taehyung squeezes his hand gently, but gives no other signs that he might be awake. Jungkook sucks in a breath and leans back, closing his eyes and attempting to doze off, making sure not to fall completely asleep so they won't miss their stop. Heart-shaped smiles dance and glow behind his eyelids, haunting his restless sleep.

  


"We did it!" Taehyung shuts the taxi's trunk, setting the last suitcase on the ground. "Where's your house?"

Jungkook waves the taxi off and pulls the handle up from the top of one of his suitcases, then points to a smaller street that went down at a gradual slope. "Down there."

They start down the street and soon reach a little house deeper in the neighborhood, the paint greyed and bleached with years of sun exposure and salty wind from the ocean. Jungkook walks up the stairs hidden off to the right of the house, careful not to let the bottoms of his suitcases bang on the stairs too loudly, and pulls his keys from his pocket. "Home sweet home."

He shifts to allow Taehyung in first, facing where he should have been standing, and finds him staring out over the balcony at the wide ocean that stretches across the horizon, about a mile away. The evening wind pulls at the thin material of Taehyung's shirt, causing him to fold his arms into himself, and he doesn't seem to notice Jungkook tugging on the back of his shirt until the younger places a hand on his bicep, silent.

"Sorry," Taehyung murmurs. "It's really pretty here." His voice sounds slow, like it's covered in molasses, and when he turns his eyes don't hold their usual brightness; they're yearning.

Jungkook leans forward, completely forgetting about the door he left slightly ajar and the keys he left in the keyhole. "What's up? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Just a little homesick." Taehyung smiles, a bit muted. "But it'll pass. Let's go in."

He begins to move past Jungkook toward the door but sucks in a faint, surprised gasp when Jungkook's arms suddenly wrap around his middle. "I'll make it worth it." Jungkook whispers. "I promise."

Taehyung slowly relaxes, nodding, but stays silent. Jungkook releases him, clearing his throat and entering the doorway with some of their suitcases.

Carefully taking off his shoes, he peeks into the apartment. "Hyung?"

The shuffling of slippers against the hardwood floor sounds before a broad-shouldered figure appears at the end of the hall. "Jungkookie?" Even with dark bags under his eyes, Seokjin is still easily the most attractive man in Busan. Jungkook swears he could cause a scene (or trend a hashtag) just by getting out of a car.

Jungkook smiles uneasily. "In the flesh."

"Thank God you made it safely!" He rushes down the hallway and envelops him in a hug, rocking him back and forth. Taehyung shifts his stance behind them, awkward, taking acute interest in the pairs of shoes lined up in the mudroom.

Seokjin releases his little brother from his death grip. "You must be Taehyung."

Taehyung bows, ears burning. "Nice to meet you."

The oldest smiles, taking his bag and starting toward another room, motioning with his head. "I'll put this in Jungkook's room. You look so tired! You should sleep." Taehyung nods, following Seokjin into the smaller room, Jungkook trailing behind them and stopping at the doorway.

Seokjin sets the bag down on his old bed. "Dinner will be ready in about an hour. Relax in here and Jungkook and I will take care of everything from here." Taehyung nods again, taking a hesitant seat on the bed and giving Jungkook a disoriented look before letting his eyes wander around his bedroom.

Shutting the door behind him, Seokjin travels a bit further down the hall until they both stand in the living room.

"She won't take her pill." Seokjin whispers, biting his thumbnail.

"What? What do you mean she won't take her pill? Did you try the applesauce?"

He narrows his brow. "It means she won't take her pill. It didn't work. She just separated it from the sauce."

The corners of Jungkook's lips turn down and he lets out a heavy breath. "Let me try." He turns to leave, then stops and faces his brother again. "Also, you don't have to be so mean to him."

Seokjin crosses his arms, eyes wide and incredulous. "I'm not being mean!"

"You shoved him off in a room by himself!" Jungkook is struggling to kep his voice at a whisper. "He's never been here before and he's homesick! All he wants to do is help out!"

"I didn't expect you to bring your boyfriend! I'm not trying to make him feel neglected."

"Then try something different. I don't want him to have a bad time because you have a stick in your ass for some God awful reason. He could've gone home to see his own family this summer but he decided to come with me to help out." Jungkook clenches his fists. "Don't be so ungrateful."

Seokjin grits his teeth, digging his fingers into his biceps. "I'm being ungrateful? He didn't have to come down. It was his choice." He whispers, nostrils flaring. "I have a stick up my ass because I think you should have thought this through a bit more. He doesn't know how to handle something like this. He doesn't have a place in our family problems."

Jungkook raises his eyebrows, mirroring Seokjin's stance. "And _we do?_ Since Mom left, _neither of us_ have known what to do. How is he so different from us?" He scoffs, shaking his head.

"Do _not_ bring that woman into this." Seokjin's voice is low and detached. "Taehyung is different because he isn't part of this family. This isn't his responsibility."

"Taehyung is an amazing person and has been so good to me, and this is how you're treating him?"

"Oh, he's been _so good_ to you?" Seokjin is shaking, shoulders stiff. "Sorry, I don't do well with boys who break my little brother's heart."

Jungkook lets his breath hiss through his teeth, rolling his shoulders back and putting his hands in front of him. "You know what? I don't want to hear it right now."

"And I didn't want to hear about it from Namjoon _three weeks_ after it happened, Jungkook!" Seokjin manages to refrain from shouting at him. "Stop shutting me out of your life!"

The sound of a door shutting quietly down the hall takes the attention of both brothers, draining the fury from the atmosphere but leaving the tension hanging between them like a wet rag.

"Great."

"Great!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Jungkook throws his hands up and Seokjin turns away, heading back to the boiling pot in the kitchen. Seokjin wipes at his eyes.

_He's such an ass sometimes!_

Jungkook takes a few deep breaths as he walks to the door at the very end of the room, opening and closing it behind him softly. Spotting his grandmother in her chair, Jungkook steps forward. She angles her head toward him.

"Oh, Junseo, here you are." She greets as he walks to her side. "He keeps trying to give me these damned pills, that little devil." She points at the applesauce with a white pill covered in the substance next to it, both sitting on the TV tray in front of her.

Jungkook smiles tightly, willing his tears back. _Not now._ "Mom, you need to take your pills."

"Why should I? They make me feel nauseated. You wouldn't understand it, being how young you are."

"I.. I think it's something you ate that's making you feel nauseated. They're, uh," Jungkook scrambles for a white lie, "Vitamins. They'll make your hair healthier."

She eyes him suspiciously. "Are you sure?"

He nods. "Very sure. Here, I'll help." He takes the glass of water off of her nightstand, placing it on the tray in front of her, and wipes the pill off. "I know you don't like watery applesauce flavor. Here you go."

"I don't need help, Junseo." She takes the pill and water from his hands. "Tell your son to clean this applesauce up."

Furrowing his brows in confusion, Jungkook looks back toward the door, surprised to see Seokjin leaning against the door frame. His expression is unreadable and his eyes are red. "Seokjin.." He bites away the urge to attach an honorific, motioning to the applesauce.

His brother lifts himself from the frame, walking to his grandmother, and cleans up the applesauce, disappearing from the room without a word. Jungkook watches him go, tilting his head as Seokjin seems to jolt as he walks through the door. Putting his bewilderment aside, he kisses his grandmother's forehead and goes to the nightstand again, pulling out her hairbrush.

He undoes the long braid of gray and white hair and begins to brush.

"You are such a good son. Always remembering to brush his mother's hair."

"Yeah," It's a choked sound, and he puts the brush down. "Would you like a haircut soon?"

"Maybe in a few weeks," She answers, taking another sip of water. The same answer she gave Seokjin a few weeks before.

Jungkook begins to braid her hair again, letting another minute of silence rush by before he asks, "Should we walk around?"

His grandmother shakes her head. "No, let me rest. Can barely move these old bones anymore. Thank you, Junseo." She shooes him away just as he wraps the band around the end of the braid. He nods, biting his lip as he leaves the room.

He opens the door from where Seokjin left it cracked and startles as he sees Taehyung standing behind it.

"I-" Taehyung starts, but Jungkook slaps a hand over his mouth and pushes him back enough for Jungkook to step through and close the door behind him.

"I didn't mean to-"

Jungkook shrugs. "S'fine. I should've explained earlier." He walks toward his bedroom, rubbing at the numbness in his chest. Taehyung stares after him, dazed, before following Jungkook into his bedroom. Jungkook sits on his bed while Taehyung takes a seat in his desk chair.

"Your real name is Junseo?"

Jungkook shakes his head. "No. That's my father's name."

Taehyung nods, clasping his hands together. He opens his mouth to speak again, then closes it and thinks for a bit. "Then why-?"

"She has dementia." Jungkook starts to wring his hands. "That's why I went to community college. It was closer and I could take better care of her when Seokjin went to college in Seoul."

"Wh-.. Where is your mom? Your dad? Why aren't they helping?"

"My mom left. I don't remember her that much, but Seokjin was almost ten when she left us with our grandmother." Jungkook shakes his head, shrugging his shoulders violently and avoiding eye contact with Taehyung. "She apparently moved back with her parents. I wouldn't know. They don't talk to us. Dad's in the military along with my oldest brother."

"Oh." Taehyung's voice is quiet. Jungkook can see him fidgeting with his fingers out of the corner of his eye, sparing glances at Jungkook.

"Seokjin graduated before I went off to Sogang. He came back here and helped me last summer. He's the only reason I could go off to Seoul, and I fucking-" He buries his face in his hands. "I fucking blew him off for the entire year."

"You were dealing with a lot, Guk-"

"That's no excuse. I should be able to take better care of my family. Seokjin sacrificed so much to help raise me and take care of us. How dare I let myself feel so much pity for myself? How pathetic and selfish is that?"

"Jungkook." Taehyung's voice is solid and clear as he puts a comforting but firm hand on his knee. "Don't blame yourself. If I know anything about being an older brother, which I do, it's that you do what's best for your younger siblings. He knows what he's doing. And you're not selfish or pitiful or pathetic. You're a strong, capable, incredible person with people who love and care about you."

Jungkook's shoulders slump, defeated. "I guess." He mumbles. "I just can't help but feel bad."

He feels the bed dip, and he suddenly feels warmth surround him as Taehyung's arms wrap around him. "Yeah, sometimes family makes it feel that way."

Jungkook hums, safe in Taehyung's arms, and slips his hand into Taehyung's as the older pulls away to press his lips to his in a soft kiss. There's a sudden knock on the door and Taehyung barely manages to become completely untangled from him before Seokjin pushes the door open.

"I made dinner. Nothing too fancy, only some jjigae. It's on the stove when you're ready to eat." He says quietly, his expression less rigid than it was before. Jungkook nods and Seokjin's eyes flick between the two curiously before he closes the door.

"Can you take me on a tour of the neighborhood? Like after we eat?" Taehyung asks.

"Yeah, totally. C'mon, let's eat before Seokjin takes the whole pot for himself."

  


A bowl of jjigae and a 20 minute walk later, Taehyung is licking at his snowcone and following Jungkook down to the boardwalk. "When I was little, I used to come down here and try to fish with a piece of string and a Cheeto."

Taehyung tilts his head back, laughing. "A Cheeto?"

"Yes. A singular Cheeto." Jungkook affirms, nodding his head. "Caught exactly one fish in my five years of fake fishing. He was this big." He holds up his fingers and holds his thumb and pointer about two inches apart. Taehyung nods, impressed.

"Wow. And all I did was climb trees and pretended I could fly." Taehyung purses his lips. "Broke my arm after I sprained my wrist a few times. The crack in my bone was this big." Taehyung squishes his pointer finger and thumb together, making Jungkook laugh and push at his arm.

"How dare you make fun of my fish! I was very proud." Jungkook grins.

"Hey, you won in this situation." Taehyung shrugs. "You got a fish, and I got a broken humerus."

They both laugh again and step onto the sand. The sun is beginning to descend over the ocean, turning the waves indigo and violet as they push and pull at the shore. Seaweed lays in dried clumps toward the top of the beach and wet at the shoreline, making lines in the sand as it's pulled back into the water. Despite the evening growing dim, the sand still holds warmth under their feet as they make their way to a bench a ways from the shore, shoes dangling from their fingertips.

"It's a nice night." Taehyung murmurs.

Jungkook nods, staring out at the rippling water. The vast calmness and deep purple and blue hues mix and contrast with the rich orange and yellow of the sun and sky. He breathes in, the familiar scent of sea salt in the air relaxing him as he welcomes his city's chilled ocean breeze.

"I kinda forgot what the sea looked like for a second." Jungkook muses. "I've lived here all my life and as soon as I left, I forgot everything."

Taehyung looks at him, sniffing. "You forgot to call Jimin for the first month you met him. I think you're just forgetful."

"That was on purpose. Pissing him off is fun." He grins, ripping his gaze away from his home and looking onto his next.

Taehyung licks at his deteriorating cone. "Hoseok and Jimin are having a showcase soon, speaking of. They wanted to know if you were coming or not."

Jungkook blinks quickly, nervous. "Oh. I dunno.. I might have something on that day. I hope Jimin doesn't get upset with me."

Cocking his head, Taehyung narrows his brows. "I didn't tell you what day it was."

Jungkook doesn't respond, deciding to pick at the string dangling from his shorts.

"What happened?" It sounds more like a command than a question.

_(Hoseok pulls his shirt off, hooking his fingers on the waistline of his pants as he moves to pull them off.  Jungkook bites his lip, pushing his head back into the pillow as he watches Hoseok strip with hooded eyes._

_"I love it when you watch me like that." The words are like honey to Jungkook, dripping from Hoseok's lips and Hoseok leans down to capture Jungkook's lips with his own, a sweet taste intoxicating Jungkook's senses._

_He begins to pull at Jungkook's tight shirt, pushing it past his chest, and Jungkook ducks his head to help pull the turtleneck over his head.)_

"Nothing that's relevant." _Liar._

"Baby. Did Jimin say something to you?"

Jungkook shakes his head rapidly. "No, it wasn't Jimin-"

Taehyung leans forward, dipping his head down to Jungkook's level. "Did- Did _hyung_ say something to you?"

"Yes- no! Just forget it. It's too confusing." Jungkook rubs his bicep, looking off to the side.

Pouting, Taehyung pushes a bit. "I don't want anyone mad at each other. Let's try to fix it?"

"No." Jungkook mumbles. "You'll hate me."

The older snaps out of his cute, gentle mode, taking a deep breath. "Oh my God, Jungkook, get your head out of your ass and tell me what happened with Hoseok."

_(Hoseok notices. He's kissing at his neck when Jungkook raises his arms to grip at his headboard, tilting his head and spreading his legs to allow Hoseok more access. He hears Hoseok's breath stutter in his ear and cracks his eyes open to see Hoseok staring at his arms._

_Fear trickles through the thick fog of numbness covering Jungkook's mind and he freezes. Hoseok doesn't pull away but instead pulls his arm closer, the wounds still raw and healing over the older, silver scars that litter his upper forearm._

_Tears rush to his eyes before he can even think to stop them because nobody was supposed to know, to find out he's doing this again but the soft skin of Hoseok's lips kiss his wrists and wipe his mind clean again.)_

He finally looks at Taehyung, eyes fogged, and Taehyung begins to freak out. Snowcone forgotten, Taehyung start shaking his shoulders. "What did he do? He's been acting a little weird, but I thought it was just because of finals and the showcase! Did you do something? Stop looking so sad and guilty, tell me-"

"We slept together."

Taehyung stops, his shocked stare frozen on his face. Jungkook blushes, anxiety rushing through his veins and guilt pooling in the pit of his stomach.

"Not- not after we made up. Before." He rubs at his wrists through his shirt. "I- I had been sleeping around with a lot of other people. I don't know why. I thought maybe it'd make me feel better, fill the hole in my heart, but all it did was make me feel so fucking worthless. Hyung found me in a club and brought me back to his apartment. One thing led to another and we slept together. I woke up before he did, really early in the morning, and all I did was leave him a note.

"I feel so ashamed. I can't look him in the eye or even be near him, and I sure as hell didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to feel hurt." Jungkook's chest is heaving as panic begins to settle into his bones. _Tell him! Tell him!_

Taehyung is staring at him with those big ass eyes, and his shame and dread only multiply. "Please say something."

"You did _WHAT?!_ With _WHO?!"_

"I'm sorry! Don't be mad, please-"

"You left him with a _NOTE?"_

"I didn't know what to do! He was waking up and I had just slept with one of my friends while going through the worst pain I've ever felt! What would you have done?!"

"Not just leave him with a fucking _note,_ Jungkook! He's a very sensitive person!"

"I know-"

"Oh my God, you can't just fuck and shuck!"

"Hold on, _what?_ I can't just _what?! Fuck and shuck?!"_

"Don't judge my slang! You slept with one of our friends hardly two months ago and ghosted him!" Taehyung presses his palms into his eyes. "When we get back, you're apologizing."

Jungkook slouches in his seat and covers his face. "It's going to be so awkward, though."

"I don't care. It'll make both of you feel better." Taehyung crosses his arms, throwing away his now melted snowcone, muttering under his breath, "Fuckin' touch my baby. How many damn people touched my baby?"

"I.. I can hear you."

"How many?" Taehyung's voice is wavering.

"I-I don't know. I just went to clubs and slept with whoever picked me up." Jungkook lowered his gaze, ears burning as Taehyung rubbed his chin.

"Jungkook, that's really dangerous. How do you know that you didn't get an STI?" His eyebrows are raised in slight panic.

"I used a condom! And I got tested a month ago. I'm negative for anything."

Taehyung's eyes almost bulge out of their sockets. "How the hell did you get tested and not tell me?!"

"Namjoon took me with him because he got scared." Jungkook sinks down further into his seat.

Taehyung begins to pace back and forth, kicking up sand with his rapid movement. "Okay, one, you needed to tell me _immediately_ because if you had anything, you could've given it to me. Two, you needed to get tested earlier in case you caught anything like, I don't know, _HIV?"_ He rubs his hands together, then places them on his cheeks. "Three, Namjoon is scared of having a cotton swab around his dick and peeing into a cup?"

Jungkook fidgets in his seat, nudging sand around with his foot. "No, he had his blood taken. He doesn't like needles."

"Oh." Taehyung finally sits down and grips one of Jungkook's wrists. Jungkook holds back a startled gasp. "You said you came out negative, right?"

Jungkook swallows. "Yes. If I came out positive, I wouldn't've let you swallow my cum, much less give me a blowjob without a condom."

A pretty blush spreads over Taehyung's cheeks, but he still holds his stern look. "You still should've told me. Not cool. What if you had ended up with an disease from someone else and gave it to Hoseok and I?"

Jungkook's frustration smarts and his hand bunches up in a fist in Taehyung's grasp. "Am I a fucking rat now? Giving you all these diseases?" The hairs on the back of his neck rise and his eyebrow twitches, irritated.

"No! I just want us all to be safe and happy. Communication is key." Taehyung bites the inside of his cheek. "This was before we were in a relationship. I don't care if you slept with someone else, as long as it was consensual and you're negative for any STIs. Though I'm not happy knowing Hoseok's dick was in your ass at one point in time."

"Okay, and how do I know that someone else's wasn't in yours while that whole.. _thing_ happened?" Jungkook cocks his head to the side, the frustration he had pushed down during his argument with Seokjin bubbling back to the surface. "I'm sorry, but it feels like you're really pressing me for sleeping with other people when we weren't even together then, and it's beginning to sound a little hypocritical."

Taehyung stares at Jungkook, then at his fist, and the grip on his wrist loosens. "I was busy trying not to cry all the time and trying to function. When I got back to my dorm after what went down, I threw up. Every time someone tried to talk to me, I physically couldn't speak. My chest ached so much I thought I was going to have a heart attack." He stiffened. "I went to the doctor, and he said nothing was wrong, so I went back to my dorm.

"Then Jimin came and started yelling at me. I think he screamed for about an hour, then realized hollering at me didn't work while I was delirious. He just gave me a hug and left, then Yoongi came by and talked to me." Taehyung pulls at his thumb, crossing his legs at his ankles. "Then he said I should dye my hair to mark a new chapter in my life, so I let him help me. Then the next day I ran into you, and you know how it went from there."

Taehyung folded his hands in his lap. "So now you know that _no,_ nobody's dick was in me for those weeks, and my dick wasn't in someone else. Is that good enough evidence? Am I still a hypocrite?"

Jungkook shook his head. He stared at his hands, palms facing the sky. The sun had set over them, and the flickering light from the lamp beside the bench cast a pale yellow glow over their bodies. His anger had completely left his body.

Taehyung's face softens as Jungkook takes his hand into his own, voice lowered and sentimental. "I'm sorry for implying you were a hypocrite and for getting mad when you were just trying to make sure we were all safe. And I'm sorry that Seokjin is so mean to you. I swear he's really nice. And I'm sorry that you have to deal with all this." He sniffs, kicking at the sand. "You're not a hypocrite."

"I forgive you." Taehyung murmurs. "I'm sorry for implying that you were a slut or something that spreads diseases. You're not a rat. You're a very handsome and amazing man." He smiles, placing his other hand on top of Jungkook's.

"It's okay." He whispers. Pulling his gaze from the dark sea, he looks back at Taehyung as the other takes a deep breath and tears his gaze away from his feet.

"I know we've never really said it unless it's gotten stressfully emotional, but," Taehyung turns his head, locking eyes with Jungkook. "I love you. I love you so much that it kind of terrifies me. I know you think you're a mess, and you think you have too much emotional baggage, but I also know that I want to help you deal with it."

Jungkook's stomach fills with butterflies and he's grinning so hard he can't really see Taehyung's face anymore. "Aw, gay."

Taehyung scoffs, but his radiant smile matches Jungkook's. "That's not what you were supposed to say back, ideally."

"Fine." Jungkook giggles. "I love you more."

Taehyung's grin widens, pushing his forehead to Jungkook's after giving him a sweet kiss. Jungkook swoops in for another kiss and yet another one before Taehyung bursts into laughter, pulling away. "Stop, stop! We have to get back to your house."

"Yeah, I guess." Jungkook shrugs before stealing another kiss. Taehyung rolls his eyes and tugs him off of the beach, smiling to himself.

  


"Y'know, if Namjoon is the gay ambassador, I think Yoongi is like, the gay Yoda." Jungkook nods as he puts his hands under his pillow.

Taehyung groans into the pillow, tugging for more of the sheets as Jungkook stares up at the ceiling. "Please, shut the fuck up. I want to sleep."

"Or maybe he's more like a gay Obi Wan Kenobi. Like he introduced me to everything I know about being gay, like how I don't even have to be like, 'Oh I'm gay,' 'cause I like girls too, kinda like how Obi Wan Kenobi introduced Luke to being a Jedi."

"Really?" Taehyung mumbles. _"You're_ Luke?"

Jungkook scoffs. "You think I wouldn't be?"

"You'd make a better Jar Jar."

"Take it back!"

"I'll take it back if you go to sleep!"

_"IF I HEAR ANOTHER GODDAMN PEEP FROM EITHER ONE OF YOU, I'M GOING IN THERE WITH A SANDAL AND NEITHER OF YOU ARE COMING OUT ALIVE."_

"Man, now hyung is yelling at us because of you!" Jungkook whisper whines. Taehyung responds by kicking him in the shins. Jungkook slaps his arm.

"Bitch, I swear to God-"

_"I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND YOU TWO. SANDAL. YOUR ASSES. THE PROCESS OF BEING WHOOPED. THEY WILL BE YOURS IF YOU KEEP WHINING."_  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!!! c: if you want more, please comment and/or leave kudos!  
> [tumblr](https://94xl.tumblr.com)  
> 


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